Are You a Genius at Caregiving? You May Be and Not Know It

“You’re can become a genius at anything–if you’re willing to make all the mistakes necessary to find the right answer.” Those are the words of Dr. Michio Kaku, MIT physicist. Boy, does that sound like caregiving or what! I made lots of blunders while caring for my mom (she had Parkinson’s, heart disease and Alzheimer’s). It was a pretty steep learning curve. I was a sandwich generation mom with more balls to juggle than a circus clown. Mistakes were my middle name.

Being a genius isn’t about being gifted. It’s about perseverance.

I was watching a special on the Science Channel and was amazed at how long it took for Einstein to prove his theory of general relativity. In his early twenties, he had an epiphany while riding on a train.

He noticed the telegram poles whizzing by and he questioned, if he were to throw a ball down, it would appear to him to go straight down–and straight back up to him. But if someone were observing this while standing on the platform, they would see that the ball was moving forward–and down–and forward and up. He then took this concept and applied it to space and time.

From this initial thought, Einstein became a genius at physics. Not because math came easy to him (he realized later that his initial math was flawed) , but moreso because he stuck with it–even when he felt defeated and confused. 

It took more than a decade for those initial thoughts to evolve and finally proven.

At times, he felt like a failure, but he kept on–he had to. He was after something bigger than himself.  

As much as you feel like you’re bungling your way through your caregiving journey, you’re learning what works and what doesn’t–and I bet you could tell me a few things you’ve begun to figure out. Most adults don’t like to screw up. They have the wrong kind of pride. You have to be willing to take risks, ask questions, and live with your failures if you’re ever going to have a break through. Caregiving will test you–physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Genius is believing that what you’re doing is important and worth the dark nights of the soul necessary.

What have you learned doesn’t work? Maybe a cane doesn’t work for your mom, your dad, or your spouse–while it may work for someone else, it doesn’t fly in your neck of the woods and no physical therapist is going to convince you.

What does work? Maybe you’ve found a solution–one that only trial and error would have uncovered. Maybe you can get your dad who has Alzheimer’s to calm down by humming the tune he danced to at his wedding–and it works every time.  That’s genius. Only the two of you will ever know this little secret, but it saves you much anxiety.

You’ve earned your stripes. You’re a good caregiver. Perfect, no. Some things are still in the development stage, but it’s time to pat yourself on the back and realize that what you’re doing–you’re pretty darn good at–so puff out your chest a bit and take a bow.

Caregiving is tough, but it’s not impossible. The little steps forward are hard-earned and worth noting.

Does Your Elder Parent Wander? Caregiving Concerns Explored

Just today, I was driving home when I saw an elder-woman walking on the side of a rather busy road. Cars go at least 40 and sometimes 60 mph. on this road. She had no business walking there alone. My husband and I turned around and I got out to greet her.

“Hello, I’m Carol and I live nearby–are you lost?” I asked, trying not to appear threatening.

“Oh no, I’m not lost. I’m walking to meet my daughter.”  Her sharp blue eyes smiled back at me and I thought of my mom and suddenly missed her.

“Where’s your daughter?” I asked. (We live several miles from the nearest shopping district)

“Out shopping. I was hoping I’d see her drive by.”

I asked her where she lived and she said she was visiting from up north but that her daughter lived “back there, behind that gate.” (She must have slipped out of the neighborhood when a car drive through the gate).

I offered to take her home. She got in our car (scary, huh?) We carried on a pleasant conversation. She pointed to her daughter’s house, told me what state and city she lived in up north, and other clear-headed facts.

She was mentally sharp, but she wasn’t making good decisions–her reasoning skills weren’t quite right.

She couldn’t understand that she was at least 2 miles from her daughter’s neighborhood, walking alongside a busy road, and that she really shouldn’t be trying to find her daughter this way–nor is it wise to get in the car with strangers, even though I’m very glad she did, in this particular case.  

I didn’t think “oh bad daughter!” Not at all. I had a mom who insisted she was going to catch a taxi and go to her home. I had no idea how she could even remember the word, taxi, or what it meant but she did.  It took me and my husband and children to keep an eye on her–she was determined to escape!

I took her home. Her daughter drove up within minutes. She had been out looking for her. I left concerned. It’s so so hard to watch someone all the time and never get a break. Her mom was such a vibrant woman, it would be a challenge to keep her from not wanting to strike out on her own–not realizing the dangers she was exposing herself to.

There comes a time when our elders are still smart, together people–great conversationalists and even pretty efficient in their every day lives–but there comes a time when they might not be making the safest decisions, and that might begin to present itself when they’re out of their routine, or when they’re with someone else who isn’t filling in the gaps for them. They can even keep their act together around their kids–because they don’t want to have to move out of their home.

Is this the beginnings of demantia or Alzheimer’s–or is this simply a natural decline of our mental faculties?

That answer is different for each person, but as a caregiver, a daughter, a son, or other family member, we must be diligent in our care for our elders. They can “fool” us, not meaning to. They’re so smart and funny and together–and we need them to be so our world can continue “as is” –and it’s so easy to overlook subtle warnings signs and the beginnings of those unsaid concerns, and that’s when something can happen.

Cognitive and reasoning skills change over time–for all of us.

Yes, it’s wise to get an ID bracelet, to show their names and contact info into their clothing and write it with a sharpie on their shoe or hat, but nothing takes the place of being aware of where your elders are just as mom has to know where her children are.

In Florida, we have the Silver Alert -a system that announces when an elder is lost or wandering and treats it much like a missing child and the Amber Alert system that alerts the authorities and posting it on the news and highways. This program has saved many lifes.

It’s our awareness that keeps our loved ones safe–and sometimes even that’s not enough.

Easy Caregiving, Simple Ways to Stop Making Life Hard

Have you ever noticed that some people have a knack for making hard things seem easy? Other people do just the opposite: they can make crossing the street a monumental, complex, pain-in-the-tush event. Caregiving is hard enough, we certainly don’t need to make it any harder. But how? By focusing on what you’re already good at.

I could spend less than an hour with a caregiver in their home and tell them not what they’re doing wrong (anybody can do that–look for imperfection) but they’re doing right. All of us have blind spots, weak areas, and it’s a ridiculous belief to focus on what you’re not good at–when it’s so much easier to build on your strengths.

Every person has unique abilities–some of us can make others laugh. Others are genius at organizing. Another caregiver might be great at navigating the treacherous waters of insurance and Medicare, and another might have a penchant for lining up volunteers to help or soothing someone with Alzheimer’s.

Stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty because you’re not the best on-time person or you’re just not affectionate or when you get stressed the laundry and the dishes pile up like a gigantic termite mound in Africa. Who cares? All of us are different and no one, no one covers all the bases.

Sometimes our family members only pick up on the negative. My mom could pinpoint what I hadn’t gotten to–and then she’d make sure she mentioned it. I try to remember that when someone’s critical it says a whole lot more about them than it does the person they’re criticizing.

I used to walk around with this thought in my head, “I didn’t ask for this!” Like that helped.  I had to let the world know I didn’t sign up for caregiving.

As my mom’s Alzheimer’s increased, I had to dig deep and refuse to be bullied. I decided that I was in charge. Not because I wanted to be, but because it was necessary. My mom needed me,  even if she didn’t know it. I had to not only stand up to her, I also had to stand up for her. 

What a life lesson. Caregiving gave me the chance to find my inner strength and resolve that I could so use in other areas of my life.

I have a quote on my chalkboard wall that’s next to my desk, “Faith is Easy.” For years, I made faith, God, trust, believing–hard. I had that Puritanical view, “Work hard and God will reward you.” What a sad way to view a relationship with the Divine, or with anyone. There’s no grace, no flow–just work or be punished. I  no longer believe that.

I have by no means got it all figured out, only that I know that I know that I know that the deepest, most profound things about life are at its core, its essence, simple. Yes, it’s all mind-blowing complex, but I can relax and allow instead of living in a constant state of struggle.

One of my favorite authors, Marcus Buckingham wrote in Discover Your Strengths Now that research has shown that the brains of infants are wired with many more neural connectors than any human needs. Think of it as the tendrils of a vine. As the child grows, tries things out, these tendrils die out in the weak places and literally redirect their strength to grow around the tendrils that’s made a connection. In other words, our brains grow strong rope-like connections around the things we’re good at.

So, what if you stopped railing against caregiving? What if you accepted where you are, today, as where you are supposed to be–and that good (for you) will come out of this experience?

Make a List of What You’re Good At:

• What are the things you can do as easily as falling out of bed?
• What compliments do you receive from others? (My kids say I make the best soups)
• What activities (even caregiving chores) do you do that you don’t mind and even enjoy?
• How can you delegate (get help) with the things you’re not so great at? (Can trade or barter with someone?_)
• Give yourself permission to do 3 things a day–lousy–laugh about it
• Before you go to sleep at night, give yourself a “shout out.” Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud one thing you did really well. Then smile.

Will this make the tough job of caregiving suddenly a romp through a flowery meadow? Of course not. But every time you have a moment where you feel good about yourself, about your choice to care-give, and where you are in life–right now–the more you’ll be at peace with who you are and that’s bound to overflow into all you do.

What Do Caregivers Fear the Most?

It’s not what you think. Caregivers don’t dread the work, giving up aspects of their lives, or even the inevitable moment of death that’s to come.

I recently spoke at a caregiving event (sponsored by my friends at Community Hospice of North Florida) and I asked caregivers what they feared…and a quiet, thoughtful gentleman shared:

“I fear that something will happen to me and I won’t be able to continue to care for my wife.”

That’s one of the biggest fears–that our loved ones won’t be cared for.

I’m sure it’s different for each person, but there are a few fears that most caregivers have in common.

What’s your biggest caregiving fear?

By asking yourself this question, you can then face it and then begin to explore solutions.

I knew the second this gentleman said it, that it’s a big fear, especially for those caring for spouses. 

And yet, most caregivers don’t take proper care of themselves. They put off their own doctor appointments, forget their own medications, and go dangerously  low on sleep and rest. Most caregivers are generous, kind-hearted, and conscientious–with others, but forget to give themselves the same respect and attention.

Spouses worry about their ability to care for their husband or wife more than any other group. They’re typically close to the same age, which means they probably have health issues of their own. They want to keep their partner at home, with them, and make sure that every need, every inkling of a desire is met–but they can’t if they’re not here.

Adult children, sons, daughters, and other family caregivers fear burning out, giving up, or the onset of some disability/illness that will cause them to be unable to stand up to the unrelenting workload and emotional load that comes with caring for others.

Caregiver stress is a real problem in the care community and that concern takes on a physical manifestation in the form of heart disease, cancer, depression, or arthritis.

Caregiver Fears:

• What if I die before my loved one? Who will care for them?
• What if my back goes out?
• What if I have a stroke or my cancer comes back?
• What if I can no longer lift or move my loved one?
• What if I lose my temperand do something I’ll regret? 
• What if my depression gets worse?  
•  What if I start forgetting important things like medication or if I left the stove on? 

The bad thing about fear is that it’s paralyzing.

We don’t run or yell or scream like we should (Ever watch a horror movie? The girl just cowers in fear). That’s our first reaction, but then we need to realize we’re in the grips of fear and make a plan–face the fear and decide our course of action.

My gentleman was still reeling from admitting his deepest fear, so it was important to give him the time and space to process his revelation. I asked him, and other audience members if they had a plan–a back up plan, and then I led him to some community resources who could help him figure out what would be “Plan B.”

Ask yourself: What can I do to give myself a sense of peace that my loved one will continue to be cared for?

Do you need to change your will? Ask someone to be his/her guardian and care advocate? Check into care facilities or purchase long-term care insurance? There are no easy answers, but doing something is better than doing nothing. Start small. Make a call. Ask someone.

My gentleman friend needed to know he had choices–agencies such as the Council on Aging, Urban Jax (in our area) and the Alzheimer’s Association who could help now, offer respite, home health care assitance–and later, he needed to consider small care home, memory disorder care home nearby (his wife had Alzeimer’s), information on Medicare.

By the end of the day, he said he felt better. He needed to face it, to say it out loud. He went home with the beginnings of a plan.

We tend to fear the unknown, and in the ”caregiving world,” there are lots of unknowns. We turn our fears into monsters and we hide, deny, and ignore in order not to look at them. Their shadows loom above us, but when we turn on the light, admit our deepest fears and take a look around, we realize  we’re not alone.

The best way to defeat a monster is with the help of a few friends.

How Do We Reconcile Ourselves to Life’s Changes

Our lives change and we can’t get what we had back. As we age, we have so many challenges to face.

We have to redefine ourselves, figure out who we are. It seems at times that life speeds up in all the wrong ways. We retire. We have to figure out who we are outside our career. We find a lump. We give up driving. We lose a foot to diabetes. Our son dies and we’re left here to live on, and we don’t know why. Our spouse gets Alzheimer’s.

Some shifts are permanent and long after the initial grief leaves, we struggle to figure out who we are now in light of all that’s happened.

 Who have we become? What does life hold for us? How do we reconcile our lives to what’s happened?

There are no easy answers. It’s easy to give into depression, but there’s another choice. Somehow we have to allow these changes, sorrows, and losses to become a part of us. Not all of us, but we have to fold these changes into who we are.

How?

I know a mother who woke up the morning of 9/11 and turned on the television just in time to see the second airplane fly into the World Trade Center. She turned off the television. She knew her son was dead. She couldn’t explain how, but she knew. She spent the next week in quiet. She journaled, prayed, drew pictures, sang their songs and held him in her thoughts.

She refused to get sucked into the news, into the images of mayhem and carnage. Instead, she turned their story into a children’s book—it was a story they made up together when he was a child. She used her sorrow into something sweet and good for others. Yes, she faced many dark nights, times when she thought her soul would rip apart. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it gave her something to do with what happened to her, to them.

I don’t know what you’re facing, but I hope you can something with your experience, something that will comfort you and help others.

Carol O’Dell

Author, Mothering Mother

Is Alzheimer’s Behavior Driving You Crazy? Keys to Deal with Difficult Alzheimer’s Issues

Is your parent or spouse  out of control?

It can feel that way, if you’re dealing with Alzheimer’s.

Some days, my mom was worse than a room full of toddlers. She would try to “catch a taxi” by sneaking out the front door, stand with the refrigerator door eating jelly with her hands, grab my wrist and beg “Little girl, take me with you,” when I needed to leave her room, and sometimes yell or dump everything out of a drawer. Sometimes she was whiney, other times demanding, and yes, there were day when she was downright mean.

I knew it was the Alzheimer’s, and I did all I could to keep her safe and watch her carefully, but it was near impossible. At this stage of Alzheimer’s (mid to late), the medications don’t work as well.

This is the point when many families start seeking a care home for their loved one. I understand why. It’s not safe, and caregivers have to consider their own health, their livelihoods, and their relationships and balance all of this on the head of a pin. The guilt, worry, and resentment pile up like too many Autumn leaves.

Keys to Dealing with Difficult Alzheimer’s Behavior”:

• As hard as it is, separate your emotions. Your loved one isn’t meaning to get you upset. Alzheimer’s causes changes in the brain. They can’t remember or comprehend what you’re asking them to do or not do. No matter how mad you get, how much you yell, it won’t stop them. They might not even understand what you want of them when you’re saying it, and certainly not minutes, hours, or days later. Love your mom, dad, spouse just as they are–and hold in your heart who they’ve always been to you.
• Get home help. Now is the time you’ve been waiting for. Your loved one needs close supervision–more than one person can give. Hiring a home health aide is still a cheap(er) alternative to a care facility. Check into agencies who are used to working with those who have Alzheimer’s and ask specifically for a more experienced professional.
• Distract and substitute. I wrote a blog at AlzheimersCaregiving.com on how these two techniques can help to calm an agitated loved one. You can’t argue with them, but you can distract them–with another object, a person, a song, or substitute their behavior or object with something “shiny” that interests them. Keep a “toy box” of items they like–a stuffed animal or old pocket watch that doesn’t work.
• Start checking out some nearby care homes. As much as we love them, want them home with us, sometimes it’s just not possible.  locked facility (sounds terrible but it’s not) can give you the peace of mind to know they’re not going to wander. You’re still their family, their care advocate, but know that many families feel they have no alternative –for safety and health reasons than to place their loved one in the best care home (locked/long-term care/memory disorder centers) where their needs will be met.  

All you can do is face each day as it comes. Rally help around you, use every tactic you can, separate the disease from the person, and know that you might not be able to keep  loved one at home for the rest of their lives, but your love, committment, and caregiving advocacy is much needed.

Careigver, Are You or Your Loved One Abusing Prescription Drugs?

In the U.S. today, more people are addicted to prescription meds than those who abuse heroin, meth, and cocaine–combined. It usually starts as a result of surgery, an accident, or a chronic pain condition that has become unbearable over time. The sad part is that it turns good people into mush. They lose their closest relationships, their homes, their children, their livelihood–all for a pill. For many, it’s also a part of their caregiving journey.

As a caregiver, it’s easy to fall into this trap. After all, you’re home all day–many times isolated–and you have access to lots of medications. You might be a tad depressed, your back hurts, you’re exhausted–and if you could just sleep, just not be in pain for a few hours…

Or your loved one finds themselves reaching too many times a day for something to alleviate the pain and loneliness, –maybe it’s your spouse or parent or child who is struggling with a prescription med addiction. It might start in college–the new craze is to take Ritalin or other drugs to help you study harder and longer and be extra alert during tests. It might be with a spouse who had back surgery and the pills “helped,” but now they have a hard time letting them go.

Oprah and Dr. Ozdid a special on this topic, and the people they interviewed were heartbreaking examples of how common this problem really is–people you wouldn’t expect. “Whether it’s Xanax, Vicodin, Valium or Percocet, Dr. Oz says more than 50 million Americans have admitted to trying prescription drugs for nonmedical reasons.”
 

Women, young women with children, older people, teens–all walks of life face this problem. As we well know, Betty Ford, President Gerald Ford’s wife struggled with this very problem and then opened the Betty Ford Clinic to help others battle addictions.

I watched this happen to an acquaintance. She was a young mother with three boys and a husband who traveled for his work. Rumors and concerns swarmed around her, and friends tried to intervene. She finally hit bottom and had to have a liver transplant. If anyone knows about organ transplants, then they know that it plunges you into a world of doctors, medicine, and a life-time of pills. I heard that sadly, she passed away about 5 years after her liver transplant. She had gone bad to abusing prescription drugs. Her boys no longer have their mother. Hers is ultimate warning: addictions can become so big and so consuming that it can literally consume your life.

Is Prescription Drug Abuse Common Among the Elderly? Yes.

According to DrugAbuse.gov, “Persons 65 years of age and above comprise only 13 percent of the population, yet account for approximately one-third of all medications prescribed in the United States. Older patients are more likely to be prescribed long-term and multiple prescriptions, which could lead to unintentional misuse.

How to Prevent or Cope With Prescription Meds Addiction:

• Before you start to have a problem: get rid of the pain pills. If your surgery is long past, don’t leave them in your medicine cabinet. Toss them. Even if you think you would never be tempted, remove the temptation–for you and your family members.
• Be a vigilant counter. Make sure you know how many pills your loved one needs, and be sure they stick to it. If you only have one prescription of pain pills and you count them out, then it’s easy to keep track and know if pills are missing.
• If you’re not the only one picking up prescriptions, then be aware that many people who are addicted use multiple doctors and multiple pharmacies. Check the bottles, check the dates, check the doctors.
• If you suspect a problem, then start paying attention. Check their purses, backpacks, bathroom cabinets, cars, and other hiding places. This is serious, you need to know what’s going on.
• If you find a problem, start attending Al-Anon. As the support person, you need support and education. You need to create a game plan, and you need to know you’re not alone.
• Know that this won’t’ be easy, especially if your loved one has a condition that really does include pain. Be willing to give them “tough love.” This could cost them their life, and I’d rather my spouse, child, or parent hate me than for them to die.
• If your loved one is old-er, they may be obstinate (that of course, can come at any age) and they may refuse to attend Nar-Anon meetings (for those who abuse narcotics) but visit their website, become educated, and don’t give up.
• Notify their doctors that prescription drugs are a problem, but realize that if they’re truly addicted, you may see agitated, even violent behavior as well as shakes, nausea, sleeplessness, and all kinds of antics.
• Look at your own behavior: how have you contributed to this situation? Be honest with yourself. Don’t look at it as blame, treat yourself with the same compassion as you would your best friend. You were tired, you looked the other way, you made excuses, you needed to keep the peace. You can’t move forward until you admit there’s a problem, and that you’re somehow a part of this whole picture–but know that you’re also a part of the solution. Until you acknowledge the situation, it doesn’t have a chance to change.

You can’t control or “fix” anybody else. You’re only 100% responsible for you. Caregiving comes with many challenges, and the abuse of prescription drugs is a huge problem we have to start talking about. Don’t isolate yourself, make excuses, or feel you’re all alone. You’re not. There are others who have struggled with addictions, with being a family member of those addicted, and their insights and their example can help.

Why do Old(er) People Shuffle When They Walk?

It’s one of those signs adult children start noticing–when their parents begin to shuffle. It usually starts when they’re tired and around their own home because they’re relaxed. As a caregiver, you worry they’ll fall, trip on a rug, or get tangled in their own feet. Is it something to be concerned about?

Yes. Shuffling can not only cause them to fall, but it may be a sign of something else–such as Parkinson’s or some other neurological disorder that’s not allowing the brain and the legs to work together. In fact, there are many diseases that can effect our ability to walk.

When people think of Parkinson’s, they immediately go to the “shaking” visual in their mind. They may “see” Michael J. Fox shaking, fidgeting, moving uncontrollably when he’s being interviewed and chooses to let the world see what “P.D” is like without medications.

But one of the most tell-tale signs of Parkinson’s is rigidity. The brain isn’t producing enough Dopamine, and without that chemical, the electrical connections of the brain and muscles misfires, or doesn’t fire enough. The body becomes rigid.

Does your loved one get up to start to walk somewhere and starts out unusually fast and then starts to lean forward a bit–and you’re afraid they’re going to topple over?

Does your loved one veer to one side when walking? Is one side of the leg and/or body cave in a bit more than the other?

Does your loved one take a few steps and then pause and can’t seem to get moving again? Have you ever noticed that this happens in doorways and when the flooring changes from say, carpet to tile?

These were some of the things I noticed about my mom–that and the shuffling. So we went to see a neurologist. There don’t really give them blood tests or even do a CT scan or MRI to determine Parkinson’s. Our neurologist (my mother’s, but I claim him too–he was a great guy who sadly died too soon) simply asked my mom to walk down the hall outside the waiting room.

The doctor, the nurse, and I watched my mother walk. She was nervous, made excuses, called for me to come help her–but the doctor gently insisted she try.

The doctor prescribed her Sinemet, and we visited him every six months. The medication helped tremendously in terms of allowing my mother to walk and not pause, to not shake as much, but it didn’t make the shuffling go away.

If your loved one doesn’t have Parkinson’s, is there a way to help them not shuffle?

Yes–but it probably won’t make it completely go away. It’s kind of like trying to keep your cat off the kitchen counter–the best that you can hope for and aim for is that the cat doesn’t do this in your presence!

You can remind them–gently and with patience.

You can ask for six weeks of physical therapy (oftentimes they come to your house and your insurance will pay for it if your doctor recommends).

You can attend physical therapy with them, take notes and continue on your own.

There are other diseases that include the symptom of shuffling–MS, ALS, fibromyalgia, arthritis, high or low blood pressure, Alzheimer’s…the list goes on. If the shuffling gets worse, insist that your doctors get to the root cause. Symptoms allow us to ask questions and seek solutions.

Don’t rule out that even though there’s no official diagnosis–there still might be one in the future. I truly believe that as a family member who cares, who pays attention–probably picks up on little clues that occur months or even years before the medical community diagnoses it.

Be sure not to “blame” your loved one or get fussy with them. They truly can’t help this. Face it, just being tired can make me shuffle–I can’t imagine how tired I’ll be 30 years from now!

The bottom line is, shuffling is a symptom, and it could mean something pretty serious–and if you find out what that is, you may be able to help your loved one get the medications and treatments that will help make their life easier. As a daughter, son, spouse, friend and caregiver, it’s our job to be their advocate–to speak up for them when they can’t.

If your loved one is shuffling–be extra aware of throw rugs, table legs, clutter, step-ups and downs. Help them with respect and kindness because hey, we’re all just a shuffle away.

Caregiving Tactics: How to Help Someone Get Out of a Bad Mood

“You’re in a bad mood.” I could see it on my mother’s face the moment she woke up.

As a caregiver, my mother and I took turns being in a bad mood. It’s a miserable existence when two people play off each other’s negativity. My mother had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and some days, it was just too much for her to work at being happy. Is it work? Is happy all it’s cracked up to be? It’s not about being happy or giddy, it’s more about being okay with where you life is–acceptance–and then being on the look-out for the good that comes with your situation.

My mom wasn’t the only one that could turn into a Gloomy Gus. I had my own issues to contend with–raising three teenage daughters isn’t the world’s easiest job, and it’s easy to let depression seep in the cracks of your life when you’re caregiving and dealing with end-of-life concerns.

It’s usually the head and heart stuff that turns your insides into knots. I’d mull over a past hurt (my mother should have been archeologist, the way she could dig up the past!) or I’d project into the future and create disastrous scenarios. Ridiculous, I know, but our minds are like a team of horses, if you don’t reign it in, it goes anywhere it wants to, which is usually a bad-thought neighborhood.

In time, I learned that if my mom and I were going to live together again, and if she was going to have to do the tango with two formidable diseases, then we had better get our act together.

Here are a few tips I learned to coax either of us out of a bad mood:

• Lovingly disengage. Just because my mom wanted to declare it the end-of-the world-all-is-lost-day, I didn’t have to raise the flag. I could take one step back and acknowledge that yes, today was a challenging day for her, but the best thing I could do for both of us was to stay on a steady course.
• Ignore the whining and grumpiness. I’ve learned something about emotions by observing my long and illustrious marriage–sometimes we push someone else’s buttons so they will either get mad, yell or cry–and then we feed off the release of their emotions. I’m not kidding! Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship will attest to this phenomena. So the best thing to do is to click into high gear and simply not go there. After a time of it not working, the emotional fire won’t have any oxygen to keep going.
• Conversely, if you haven’t had a heart to heart talk lately, then it may be time. But cut to the chase. Ask if they’re scared. Ask if they’re lonely. Tell them you are. At first, they’ll most likely scramble. We’d rather pick at each other than look at the truth, but by you admitting your emotions, they’ll gain permission to consider their own.
• Put on some music or a funny video! Music is simply amazing when it comes to altering our moods. Within minutes, we breathe differently, our heart rate alters, and we start having different thoughts. Turn on some Bach or Count Basie to drown out a fussy moment. Even if they complain and say turn it down, don’t turn it off.
• Coax, flirt, play, tease your way out a challenging moment. Remember how to cheer up a toddler? Get their favorite stuffed toy, a cookie and a snuggly blanket? Do you think we ever grow up from needing a few creature comforts? We don’t. With a bit of gentle play, a time of wooing, an offer of a gift, we can cause a shift in someone’s day. Come on girls, you know what I mean here–we’ve been cheering up our guys for years. Guys, there is nothing in the world like flowers and chocolate. It works–for moms and girlfriends. Even for dads. Remember what they like. There’s nothing as wonderful as someone who knows you.

When all else fails, choose to be grateful for even days like this. Gratitude can be broken down into bite-size pieces. Today, a flock a sea birds took off over my house. It sounded like angel’s wings–and took my breath to see such magnificence. they just kept coming, bird after bird, their long necks (egrets and spoonbills) stretched against a blue sky. Whatever happens today, I have my birds to remember.

Not all of your day may go so great, but be on the look out for your birds–for something that startles you and takes your breath.

Helping someone get out of bad mood is an art, part play, and part having a plan. The up-side is that you can’t help lift someone else out of the doldrums without giving yourself a boost at the same time.

A Slacker’s Guide to Death and Dying: Don’t Leave Your Loved Ones in a Lurch

Did you know that 40% of people over 45 don’t have a will? Below the age of 45, the percentage of slackers is even higher. Even caregivers who know their loved one has limited time is hesitant to bring up the living will and will discussion.

Is is because we think we won’t die–or we’re just slackers that put things that are a hassle or uncomfortable off–we’ll do it another day? I’m going with a little bit of both, but leaning toward the slacker scenario. Procrastination is human nature.

It’s not all about the will and who’s going to get your money.

As important as it is to spell out who gets the silver service, I think it’s even more important to say how you want to die. Let the relatives squabble over your stuff–who cares–you won’t be able to make them happy no matter how fair you try to be.

But saying how you die is smart–selfish in some ways maybe, but smart. 

That’s where the Five Wishes come into play. The Five Wishes is a document in which you get to state if you want a feeding tube, if you want a respirator to help you breathe, if you want pain meds, if you want a DNRorder (do not resuscitate) if want to die at home, or be taken to a hospital or hospice center. You might also include whether you would prefer to be buried or cremated, placed in the cemetary with your relatives, or scattered off the back of a sail boat. You get to decide whether you’d like the Beatles played at an informal gathering to remember you, or whether you’d like to have a service at the family church or synagogue.

Now this is one important document. You can also place this kind of information in your regular will, but many times that document doesn’t get open until you’re getting your hair and make-up on at the funeral home.

So for all you slackers out there (including me) here’s a handy list to guide you:

• Put all your important documents in ONE place and tell your loved ones where it is–safe, top drawer, safety deposit box, etc. Make it known where these important papers are.

The important papers you need are: 

1. All your insurance policies–house, car, medical, and life.
2. All your loans and current bills. Be sure to include passwords to all your accounts.
3. The Five Wishes, or at least a letter that states what your wishes are. Include lots of choices and preferences so your loved ones aren’t trying to figure it out without a clue.
4. Make a list of items you’d like to give to people and other personal thoughts.
5. Consider an ethical will–it’s a document where you get to share your heart, your philosophy to life, your blessings for those you love and how you’d like to be remembered.
6. YES, YOU NEED A WILL. If you don’t have a will, anything you do have will be distributed by the discretion of the courts according to the laws of your state. On top of that, your loved ones will have to pay for this probate service, so get that will made. Consider a trust if you have children under 25. Even if you’re married, you still need your own will. If you own a business, you’ll probably need to hire an estate attorney or elder-law attorney.
7. Even if you’re married or have a legal partner, then it’s important to have both of your names listed on the house, car, etc. This can save time and headaches.
8. You can get a will online, but it’s smarter to pay out the money and do this with an attorney. For most people, this will cost you $250-$500 and you’ll be set and have the peace of mind to know that it’s done right and your loved ones are taken care of.
9. If you have children under 21, it’s important that you list a guardian–maybe even more than one in case the first person is unable to perform these duties. Be sure to talk to whoever you appoint–this isn’t something you need to surprise someone with.
10. Be sure to have 2 witnesses sign your will, notarize it, and if you did go through an attorney, one copy can stay with him/her and you can store a copy in your safe/safety deposit box.
11. Keep the five wishes or living will more accessible–in a top drawer–with other emergency info such as a list of your medicaitons, DNR orders, and medical insurance info. Let your family members know about this now–so that your needs and wants are respected.

No one likes dealing with the thought of dying, but a little bit of effort can save a whole lotta hassle.

(BTW, this post is based on a Times Union article by Matt Soergel).