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Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

If your’e happy and you know it clap your hands…goes the children’s song. Now there’s a new twist: If you’re happy and you know it you just might live longer, suggests a new study just out by the University College of London.

In fact, if you are in your golden years and you keep up that positive outlook you’re 35% less likely to die than Mr. Scrooge and all those grumps who think that it’s just too much darn work to smile–or be nice to people.

This wasn’t just based on a “Are you happy” questionnaire. People tend to tell you what they want you to hear, or what they need to believe for themselves.

English Longitudinal Study of Aging followed more than 11,000 people age 50 and older since 2002 and in 2004 they collected saliva samples  on about 4700 participants. These samples were collected four times in one day and their moods were noted: happy, excited, content, worried, anxious, or fearful they felt at the time. Steptoe and his UCL colleague Jane Wardle have now published their findings on the links between mood and mortality in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences .

Here’s their analysis:

Of the 924 people who reported the least positive feelings, 7.3%, or 67, died within 5 years. For people with the most positive feelings, the rate fell in half, to 3.6%, or 50 of 1399 people (The researchers adjusted for age, sex, demographic factors such as wealth and education, signs of depression, health, including whether they’d been diagnosed with major diseases), and health behaviors such as smoking and physical activity).

Even with those variables, the risk of dying in the next 5 years was still 35% lower for the happiest people.

But what if you’re not just one of those giddy, always up-beat types?

This is just my take, but there are many ways to be happy. People with dry wit, cynical types who see the world in a slant, and folks who aren’t the silly types, but who find a way to make things easy–these are all types of happiness.

I think we can carve our own happiness, and it may not look like someone else’s happiness.

Start a list:

  • What comforts or soothes you?
  • Add your favorite foods
  • Make a list of music you enjoy
  • Think about people you hang out with who just make you feel good
  • What every day activities do you find pleasing? Do you like to fold clothes or wash dishes by hand?
  • Have you watched one of your oldie but goodie movies you like lately?
  • Memorize three funny jokes–and share them!

This is the beginning of your happiness list.

Happiness isn’t out there–for others–it starts with the simple things.

~Carol O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother

available in hardback and on Kindle 

Source:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/31/health/happiness-linked-longer-life/index.html

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Forget Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief. They’re merely a jumping off point. Grief isn’t linear. Grief is multi-layered and doubles back on itself. Grief is raw. For many, it’s the closest a person comes to unhinging–to a break with reality. Getting through grief isn’t easy and isn’t predictable. Getting through grief is different for each one of us, but the more we share, the more we reach out, the more we help each other.

Suicide. Murder. Car accidents. Cancer. A sudden heart attack…or the long and winding road of Alzheimer’s. Grief doesn’t start at the point our loved one breathes his or her last breath. Grief is about loss, and loss can start months or even years before death takes the ones we love.

Grief is biological. Animals grieve. Watch this YouTube video where an elephant herd has found the bones of their matriarch. They form a circle around the bones, pick up her bones and hold them in their trunk, feeling each crevice with their trunk. This collective sorrow is healing–and even elephants know they need to grieve.

And yet some of us don’t show grief.

We don’t cry at funerals.

We don’t sentimentalize those who have gone before us.

We show no emotions–does that mean we’re heartless?

Showing and feeling grief are two different things. Some of us don’t share our emotions with many others, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel them.

Emotions don’t go away simply because we squash them down and cover them up–they ooze out the sides of our life. We overreact to a traffic jam. We drink too much. Sleep too little.

Others get lost in grief. The sorrow, regret, and sometimes guilt swarm around us and threaten to steal all joy and purpose. Years go by–and we’re stuck. We can’t move on. We have no desire to. It’s as if time has stopped and we got off and the train sped away leaving us back then–back there.

So how do you get through grief–how do you feel it when you need to and then allow it to pass–before it destroys your life?

No simple answer to that one. I won’t pretend to know.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get back into life. Join a group and make ourselves show up.

For some of us anti-depressants seem to help. For others, a therapist. We need to talk it out.

For others, we have to allow ourselves to wallow for a while–until we get sick of our own juices.

No one way.

How to be there for someone else who is grieving?

No “you should be better by now,” or ‘I’m worried about you.” That doesn’t help.

Be willing to sit quietly beside them. Show up at the same time each day, or each week.

Listen. Offer distractions. If you have to, get in their face and fight for them. If they reject you, keep coming back.

One of the most tender betrayals of grief and how very long it can take and how different it is for everyone–and that we have no right to judge someone else’s loss–is the movie, “Reign Over Me.” It’s about a man who lost his wife and children in the 9/11 tragedies. It’s one of the more honest conversations about grief–one that I think might help.

What those who are experiencing grief need is to believe in hope again–some small sliver of hope.

And you might just be the hope they’re looking for.

~Carol O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother, available on Kindle

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The happy caregiver–is that an oxymoron? Not at all. Yes, caregiving is inherently stressful, but it also has many rewards. A recent study featured on Good Morning America shows that having a positive attitude actually adds years to your life–not to mention its impact on the quality of life from everything from fighting depression to boosting your immune system.  

You may not consider yourself a happy caregiver–not every moment of every day, but it’s not too late to change your ‘tude, or realize you actually have more going for you than you realize. Happy isn’t birthday party giddy. Sometimes happy is about a deep sense of knowing you’re in the right place at the right time–doing the right thing.

The Happy Caregiver:

  • Is caregiving because they want to
  • Knows they’re needed
  • Keeps it in balance
  • Has other things going on–friendships, activities, learning
  • Knows that caregiving won’t last forever
  • Laughs off stress
  • Sometimes yells, sometimes slams doors a bit too hard
  • Asks forgiveness
  • Sees themselves as a part of a tribe
  • Asks for help
  • Doesn’t fall for bullying or manipulation
  • Does what’s best–for everyone
  • Keeps the bigger picture in mind
  • Doesn’t even begin to do it all
  • Can tell a good joke
  • And give a good toast
  • Appreciates the moments of surprize and insight that pop up at the most unusual times
  • Accepts imperfection in herself and others (her is just a place holder–guys care-give, too)
  • Keeps short range and longe range plans and goals in mind
  • Stands up for what’s right
  • Curses–occasionally
  • Knows they’re an advocate, a voice when their care buddy needs them
  • Occasionally exhausts all their resources–physically, emotionally, and spirituallly
  • And knows those resevoirs have to be refilled
  • Has a deep sense of faith and hope
  • Accepts that no one gets out of this world–alive
  • Faces their fear–not because they’re uber brave or crazy-strong–but because it’s the only way
  • When the time comes, they embrace the sweetness and quietness of a good death
  • Gives into grief
  • Relies on friends and family for strength
  • Counts blessings
  • Sees life in its many seasons
  • Sees life as precious, precarious, and profound
  • Reinvents herself/himself again and again and again

Maybe you don’t feel bubbly right now–but I bet you see yourself in a few of the lines above. Caregivers are pretty amazing–and the more you choose to view what you do with a sense of honor and integrity and knowing that every day you make a difference, the more you’ll realize you just might be…a happy caregiver.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother, available on Kindle

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“I quit!” That’s what you’d like to say some caregiving days.

You feel like crap. You’ve gained a ton of weight. Your life consists of round the clock care–oftentimes for someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate it, and the only way out of this is…death. Yours or your loved ones–not great choices. You don’t know whether you feel like screaming or crying, but running away is definitely topping the list.

You’ve checked into other forms of caregiving–hiring more home health care, nursing home care–both expensive options.  The economy isn’t exactly helping these days.

It’s not as if you can just stand up and say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Or can you?

Isn’t everything in you is screaming that very sentiment?

Not that you don’t love them. Not that you don’t want them to be treated with the utmost care and dignity, it’ just that it’s never ending. There’s never enough of you.

How to Caregive When You Want to Give Up:

  • Embrace your inner Eyore. Sometimes it helps to be grumpy–to get it out of your system. To just let all that negativity out–give yourself permisssion to be a real curmudgeon–especially if you’re always  the “nice,” the “up” one. Sometimes we make caregiving look too easy. It’s time to tell it like it is!
  • Change one thing. Most caregivers do more than they need to. They don’t say no, not even to the trivial things. It’s time to change that. What’s one thing that drives you nuts? Stop doing it. I got so tired of rechecks. Every doctor wanted to see mother–who had Parkinson’s and could barely walk–and Alzheimer’s back in six weeks. Forget it. I stopped the rechecks. We went only when she needed new medication or had a new problem. Having power in this one area felt so good!
  • So quit–for five minutes, or five hours. If you’re being treated ugly or you’ve just had it, say it“I QUIT!” Then walk out of the room. Walk out the front door. Get your keys and purse and sit in your car. You may not have to or need to go any further than that but I guarantee you, you’ll feel amazing!
  • Pretend you’re free. Take it one step further, what would you do if you weren’t caregiving today? Go to the zoo? Zip over to get your hair done? Take a nap? Can you imagine–down to the smell of ammonia and nail polish? Stay in that zone–where you truly believe you’re free–for the next five minutes or five hours–or whatever time you can afford yourself. You quit, remember? So act like it. Give your brain cells a rest.

Why go to all this trouble of pretending? Isn’t that for kids?

Neurologists are finding that we can trick our bodies–by visualization–and if you’re a great little actor/actress your body actually thinks you did that amazing thing–skiied, won an Emmy, or…quit~! It gives your muscles and your mind the break it’s longong for. Don’t be surprised if you kind of miss caregiving–it’s addictive. But you may feel this huge sense of relief, even if it’s only temporary.

Why be so bold? Because you should be caregiving because you want to. Yes, because you’re needed, but also because you love someone and you genuinely want to make their life better.

When you quit it’s like recalibrating something inside you.

When you walk back through that door–do it as a choice–with your heart leading the way.

This won’t solve all your issues. It won’t miraculously give you 20 hours sleep or magically make Alzheimer’s disappear, but it will relieve a little bit of angst.

It  will remind you that each day you must choose to love, to give, to be there for yourself and those you love.

When we feel stuck we fall into resentment –or worse, apathy.

So when you need to, quit, give up, and start anew.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother, available on Kindle

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I heard it on the news just this morning–another murder-suicide of an elderly couple. This same awful news happens in every community. Most of us assume that suicide and murder are “young people” crimes–that it’s our youth to blame. The truth is that the highest suicide rate in our country is for males over the age of 65,+ white males and the murder-suicide rates for elders are alarmingly high–and many of these deaths are due to the strains and stress of caregiving, depression, alcohol abuse, and isolation.

What are the signs of suicide?

  • Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
    (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)  Talking or writing about death or suicide
  •  Withdrawing from family and friends
  •  Feeling hopeless
  • Feeling helpless
  •  Feeling strong anger or rage
  • Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation
  • Experiencing dramatic mood changes
  •  Abusing drugs or alcohol
  •  Exhibiting a change in personality

What are the symptoms of murder-suicide among the elderly?

  • Prolonged illness which may also include pain
  • Medical financial issues
  • Being told you don’t have long to live
  • Depression
  • Alcohol abuse
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • wrapping up details/talking about dying
  • Prolonged hospital stays and unresolved caregiving issues
  • A history of violence, jealousy, or clinical depression
  • A recent purchase of or interest in a handgun or hoarding of pills
  • Isolation

What can you do if you suspect the possibility of a murder-suicide?

  • Get the guns out of the house–every major study on violence has shown that guns make it too easy to take a life–a recent study showed that 34 out of 39 murder-suicides involved a gun.
  • Get the “victim” out of the house. If an attempt has been made, or you strongly suspect it might, don’t take a chance.
  • Take a hard look at your dad/the male. Elder suicides are almost always perpetrated by the male and they often struggle with severe depression and find that caring for their sick wife or being sick themselves makes life unbearable. Get them help–after you get the female/your mom/loved one out of the house.
  • Get them help–quick. Suicide is the culmination of feeling completely helpless, hopeless and alone. You’ve got to ease their burden–get them assistance–and most likely get them out of the house. The isolation and despair are just too much or a pull. They need to be with others, need outside assistance, and need to not be able to hide the depression and/or violence that are the hallmarks of murder-suicide.

If you suspect there’s a problem, there probably is. Listen to your gut. Do something fast.

Here are a few organizations who can help.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-suicide

Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment:  800-234-0420  800-234-0420

Elder Abuse Hotline:  800-252-8966  800-252-8966

Alzheimer’s Association Hotline: 800-621-0379

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother, available on Kindle

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After a decade of caring for my mother who had Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and heart disease, then brought her into our home the last 2+ years of her life, this is the distilled version of what caregiving taught me. I am profoundly grateful for these lessons.

  1. To stand up for myself, and caregiving will give me plenty of opportunities to do so.
  2. There is a time in life in which you sacrifice for someone you love–and a time to stop sacrificing.  
  3. It takes humor to tackle the big scary things in life, like caregiving, disease, and death.
  4. Caregiving will inevitably bring out the worst–and the best in me.
  5. Caregiving will change me, but it’s up to me to determine how.
  6. I can’t stop death.
  7. I can decide how I will live the next moment of my life. One moment at a time.
  8. My emotions are my body’s barometers. I need to listen to these cues, feel them, use them as a catalyst, but know that no one emotion will last forever.
  9. To pace myself. Burnout is very real and very dangerous.
  10. I can’t meet all the needs of another human being. I can’t take the place of my care partner’s spouse, career, friends, or health.
  11. Caregiving is about integrity. I have to choose what is right–for me–and for all the others in my life. No one person gets to be the “only one ” 
  12. When I start to give too much to caregiving, it means I’m avoiding some aspect of my own life’s journey.
  13. Caregiving  isn’t just about caregiving. It unearths every emotional weak spot I have–not to destroy me–but to give me a chance to look at, and even heal that area.
  14. I have to stop being nice and pleasing people. “They” will never be satisfied or think it’s enough. What’s best for me–truly, deeply best–is best for those around me.
  15. Learning to stand up to relatives, authority figures, to my parent or spouse, and even a disease teaches me to be brave, a quality we need.
  16. Give up perfect. Go for decent. Do more of what I’m good at–and ask for help on the rest.
  17. Don’t isolate myself. Being alone, depressed, and negative is easy. Fighting to stay in the game of life–that’s tough, but worth it.
  18. If or when my care partner needs more care than I can provide, or even dies, that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It means I’ve done all I could and it’s time for change.
  19. You will go the distance. You will live at hospitals, stay up night after night, weep in the deepest part of your soul, question everything you’re doing…and barely come out alive. Caregiving asks, takes this from you. Through this process, you will transform. You will see who you are–the whole of you. You will survive.
  20. Choose to care-give–then do with heart and guts.

To love makes us brave. To be loved gives us courage.

                                                                                                                                       –Lao Tzo, Chinese Philosopher

Carol O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother

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Now, don’t get upset. I’m not calling you a lousy caregiver, but now that I’ve got your attention, what makes a good–or a lousy caregiver?

So how should we treat those who need a little extra care? How do we show them the respect they deserve? When we get tired, aggravated or frustrated, how do we act? Do we get snippy? Manipulate? Use the silent treatment? Do we bully them into doing what we want? What do we neglect to do when we’re tired? How do we solve conflicts? How do we self-correct?

A big issue for caregivers is separating the need for care from the actual relationship. Who wants to “taken” care of? No one wants to be pitied or felt like a cause.

We have so much to learn from each other. There’s a reason why we care for our mothers, fathers, sister, brothers, children, and close friends. When we come together at a point of need–we see the best–and worst in ourselves. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow, but it’s not always easy! (that’s an understatement!)

When we care for our loved ones, we have to remember that caring isn’t just a list of chores or errands. Caring is about, well, caring. Showing that you care encompasses so much more–spiritually, emotionally, as well as physically.

So who’s a lousy caregiver?

A lousy caregiver chooses not to care. A lousy caregiver can live across the country and never call or come to visit–or they can sleep in the same bed with their spouse and never pay attention to what that person really needs. Most people who avoid caregiving are scared. They say they’re busy, not good at it, feel rejected…but in reality they’re mostly scared. Others, a few, cannot feel or empathize with others. They cannot give freely, make the necessary sacrifices, or understand it’s a priviledge to care for someone you love.

A lousy caregiver thinks it’s all about them. They have what I call “look at what has happened to me–syndrome.” They gripe and complain so much that they don’t think about what their other “person” has endured and survived. Their myopic view of the world does not allow them to see that the world is so much bigger–and more interesting and complex–than they are. They suck the air out of a room and the joy out of your heart–beware!

A lousy caregiver resents caregiving. All of us have those moments–when we wish life were different–we long for freedom, for time, for a five-minute break. That’s not the same. A truly resentful caregiver is bitter, consumed, and sadly, they won’t let go and allow that care person to find better care.

A lousy caregiver uses their care person. Some lousy caregiver are moochers. They move in, take over, and take liberties with the other person’s finances–in general–they’re users and probably always have been. They seem to find people to take advantage of.

A lousy caregiver is verbally manipulative and can even be physically abusive. It’s scary to think about, but they’re out there. They berate people, jerk them around, bully and trick them, and can even hit, slap, or neglect the very person they are to care for. If you know someone who abuses an elder, go to www.elderabuse.gov and find out how you can help and protect this person in need.

If you’re reading this post about caregiving, I doubt you’re a lousy caregiver. You may have lousy moments–we all do–but if you care enough to read a post about caregiving, you’re not the cold-hearted, abusive person I’m speaking of. 

What’s your idea of a “good” caregiver? What do you value?

The good ole’ golden rule teaches us so much. If you were bed-ridden, lost in the confusion of Alzheimer’s, nauseous from cancer, or couldn’t make it up a flight of steps without help, how would you want to be touched, talked to, and cared for?

All of us have lousy caregiving moments. That’s when we have to dig deep and remember in the deepest part of who we are: we’re caregiving because we really do care.

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