I finished my blog, “How to Live and Die Well” and while I meant every word, my sarcastic side was reeling. Admit it, most of us will leave this earth kicking and screaming ( at least on the inside). We don’t want to eat our veggies as much as we’d prefer to dive into a bag of Lays, and aren’t there some days when you want to embrace your inner grump and blast the world? So here’s my comedy version–and on some/most days–it’s a tad closer to the truth.
How to Live a Horrible Life:
- Indulge my every whim–even when I’m repeating an already disastrous scenario that didn’t exactly work out the first time.
- Refuse to forgive–especially myself.
- Hold on to, nurse, and even embellish grudges, past hurts, and assumed wrongs.
- Accuse others of stealing from you, talking about you, disliking you (which they probably do by this point) because that further endears you to folks.
- Watch lots of television.
- Buy a scooter. Walking is for sissies.
- Try and force things to happen. It’s exhausting and not trusting, but it’s based on believing that I’m actually in control–of anything and everything.
- Keep that inner monologue of self-doubt and self-loathing going 24/7.
- –while simultaneously blaming anybody and everybody else for my crappy life.
- Get too little sleep, indulge in too many processed foods/sweets, and take a pill, any pill, all the pills I can find–for everything from a hangnail to hemorrhoids.
- Never do anything that’s not for my own direct benefit.
- Give up, give in, and then complain about how nothing ever works out for me.
- Never say thank you.
- Repeat the above steps for the next 40/50 years.
- Get more demanding and grumpy with each passing year.
- Threaten that “I’m going to die soon, so please just do this one thing for me,” to get people to cater to your every whim.
- Go to a doctor for every little thing and take all the meds and all the free med handouts they give me.
- Read lots of articles about horrible diseases and become convinced I have them all.
- Push people out of the way with my cart and mumble “Move it, I’m old!” (my mother used to do this)
- Become incontinent as soon as possible…
- because we all know that our family members just LOVE changing adult diapers.
- Insist others feed you and then let the food dribble out on your chin and down your shirt–your family will be sure to love that one, too.
- Become so cantankerous that even the grim reaper doesn’t want to spend time with you.
- Refuse to “go to the light.”
- Fake your death scene–clutch your chest and gasp for air–just to get people all crying and worked up. Then yell, “Surprise!” (Facetious, I know, but don’t you want to try it now?)
I will work on the incontinence. Give me just…a…minute.
Good one….
The “”Fake your death scene” part is pretty crazy. I can’t wait to see people’s reactions, both when i have died (pretended) and when they realize that i’m just kidding. Loved the snowman “will die soon” pic too. Very clever post. Great job
Thanks Robmejia,
Hope you’ll keep reading!