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Archive for the ‘finances’ Category

Caregivers are feeling the pinch just like everyone else, but there is a difference. Many caregivers are used to caregiving on a dime. They’ve been on a “controlled” budget for years, and yet they may be reeling from their shrinking savings, or a recent change in insurance coverage that leaves them short. Another worry. How can caregivers make ends meet and not compromise case for their loved ones?

I don’t know about you, but I grew up with two very saving people. My parents were married in 1929 (and we all know what happened that year, managed to find jobs through the depression, then Daddy fought in WWII. I’m one of those kids that grew up with stockpiles of canned goods in every closet.

My mother was the original recycler–bread wrappers, aluminum foil, buttons, shoe strings…you name it and it got reused. But when my mom got Alzheimer’s and I became her caregiver, let me tell you, all that worrying and hoarding turned ugly. She fixated on things (part of the disease), and sadly, fear and worry grew with age. Being a sand-gen mom meant I had to keep everybody going–meals, laundry, meds, doctor appointments, kid’s needs filled my head and my heart and my hands. As it should be.

I’m not going to insult your intelligence by telling you to clip coupons or turn lights off in unused rooms. You know to put extra water in your soup and buy day old bread. I’m more concerned you’ll take “saving” too far and not get the things you really need.

It’s not easy, but I want you to know that you can do this. You can figure out how to handle your finances even in this tough, crazy time.

Caregivers possess a very important skill: ingenuity.

We’re problem solvers par excellent. We’ve had to figure out how to budget our time, our strength, our groceries, and even our sleep. And if you’ve gained a skill in one area, you can transfer that ability to another area.

So I’m going to give you some strange advice: Don’t go crazy with cutting back.

Why?

Because you have enough on your plate.

Because you’re probably already pretty saving.

Because you already have enough to worry about.

Because it’s best to concentrate on one or two areas where you really can save or get help.

Because your loved needs you to care more about your relationship than saving six bucks at the grocery store.

Because time is precious–even more precious than money. 

It’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy you hear in the news. It’s easy to panic. But panic won’t help. Turn off the news. Put on a CD, some music, a book on tape–whistle, call a friend.

Your role as a caregiver, (which also means you’re a spouse, a daughter, a son) means that you don’t get to freak out. You have many hats to wear. Your job is to keep the big picture in perspective–managing everything from your home to your health, from your loved one’s health (including mental health), and even dealing with issues of the dying process–grief, hospice, and death. You have to know when to forget the world and just hold hands.

If you’re considering doing without something–lights, heat, filling up your car with gas, renewing your license, foregoing that doctor’s appointment, or eating red meat–ask yourself this question: Can I live with the consequences of doing without this? If the answer is no, or it’s really taking a chance, then it’s not worth the risk. You can actually wind up spending more money by doing without something necessary–and then trying to play catch up.

 Caregive on a Dime:

  • Is your car older and paid off? You might want to consider changing your coverage and drop your comprehensive coverage. Your insurance will go down, but realize that if your car is stolen, vandalized or weather damaged, it won’t be covered. You’ll only be covered if you “collide” with another car. 
  • Ask your doctor before changing your prescriptions to the generic version. Why? Not all geriatric meds work the same. I know someone who had a reaction when switching to generic–it caused major problems. 
  • Ask. Ask your bank if you should refinance (assuming your home isn’t paid off). Ask for a discount. Ask for assistance. You’re entitled to services you probably don’t even know about. Call up your senior center or your elder affairs office and start asking for help.
  • Consolidate houses, cars, and incomes. More and more families are doing the multi-generational living thing. It makes sense–brothers, sisters, ex’s, and parents are all figuring out ways to live together.
  • Ask if you qualify for any prescription programs or trials. Ask your doctor, your pharmacist, or your elder affairs office for more details.
  • While coupon cutting and sales can help, a caregiver is stressed for time. Don’t kill yourself driving to three stores to get your basic groceries.
  • You can get free or reduced price supplies for adult diapers, food supplements, and other home health aid products. Check at www.qualityeldercare.com, or www.elderdepot.com, or  www.agingpro.com. Keep asking and keep looking for what you need.
  • Choose to be happy right where you are. Live small, but find ways to give yourself a few creature comforts.
  • Watch out for depresssion. If you’re on a tight budget, it’s easy just to hunker down and try not to move–but that’s not healthy. Be sure to do the simple things–take your vitamins, stretch, call a friend, and get outside at least ten minutes a day for that very necessary vitamin D.
  • If things get mad, make some noise. I call it having a “Shirley MacLaine Moment.” Remember Shirley in Postcards from the Edge when she lets loose on the nurse in order to get pain medication for her daughter? Sometimes you have to let loose. Yell, demand, make noise. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t cave in and give up. Don’t go hungry or do without needed medication. Call up a local church, shelter, senior center and tell them how bad your situation is–oh, and don’t forget those relatives you rarely ever hear from–call them too. But don’t cry wolf–a lot of people are in dire circumstances–and you may only get one shot at help, so use it wisely.

Keep life simple, appreciate life, and keep it all in perspective. You’ve lived long enough to see good times and challenging times. The only constnat is change. Please know that there are people out there who care, so don’t sit behind your front door and give up.  Hope is your greatest weapon. Hope is food for your soul.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother

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The first month after your loved one dies is perhaps one of the scariest,

most dreaded times in a person’s life.

Losing a spouse, a parent, a child is devastating. But somehow, you will get through.

I know you don’t think you will.

But there’s this little thing called breathing. Your body does it whether you want it to or not.

Your heart can be breaking, your gut wrenched, and you can feel as if you will truly lose your mind–and your body will continue to take its next breath. There will be times when you don’t want to breathe. You don’t want to live–the pain is so intense. Just let your body get your through for now.

It’s a divine design–to keep our heart and lungs on automatic.

I’m sure I would have either forgotten or opted not to breathe, not to allow my heart to pump if I had any say in the matter. But this sheer involuntary response is the only way to go on during those early days of grief.

Death comes in many forms–by way of an accident, or after a long agonizing illness–it’s never easy.

Even when you’ve been caregiving for years and you know your loved one is no longer suffering, almost everyone has a difficult time letting go.

Why? Why is it so difficult to watch death take those we love–even after pain and suffering, and even old age?

I believe because there’s something in us that deeply believes in the eternal.

Our brains do not compute that life is simply cut off. I’m not basing this on any particular religion or theology–I’m basing this on biology–we cannot comprehend that someone we know and love was here yesterday–and is not here today. Those who look at this purely scientific would say that it’s mere habit–but something in me feels that it’s more.

Why, after practicing a lifetime of faith, and believing with all our hearts that we will see our loved one again–is it still so hard to stand next to their lifeless, breathless body and kiss them goodbye?

The same reason a toddler cries for his/her mother. We don’t like separation.

And those early days of separation are very, very difficult.

What’s it like? That first month?

Experiencing a death of someone we love–at any age, and for any reason, usually means that we go into shock. Not only have I experienced the death of several loved ones, like you, I have many family and friends who have also experience grief and loss.

By looking at these first few days and weeks, we can begin to see a pattern–in ourselves and others. It’s less scary to know that we’re not alone, and that our bizarre thoughts and actions are something others experience as well.

What is shock?

It’s our body’s response to trauma or pain.

Physically, speaking, shock is when the body isn’t getting enough oxygen. It can occur after an injury when the body shuts down (the blood stays close to the heart to preserve life at its core level–or it can occur after a severe emotional trauma.

WebMD desribes shock as this:

  1. A sudden physical or biochemical disturbance that results in inadequate blood flow and oxygenation of an animal’s vital organs.
  2. A state of profound mental and physical depression consequent to severe physical injury or to emotional disturbance.

If you’ve ever experienced shock (yourself or by witnessing it in another person), one of its prime characteristics is that you’re probably not reacting to pain (physically or emotionally) as you would expect.

Car accident victims can walk around with a head wound or internal injury–and only after minutes or even hours does the body “compute” the damage and begin to react. This may give the person time to rescue a child or get out of a fire.

Emotional trauma shock can present with similar symptoms–the person may talk or act rather normal, even when you would expect them to cry or scream or fall apart. They might eventually do all those things–but it may be weeks or months later. The mind has the ability to stay “in shock” much longer than the body–and it will usually only allow the person to really feel and experience the deepest levels of grief when it’s safe.

The movie, Reign Over Me is a great example of emotional shock.

Adam Sandlerplays a man who lost his wife and children during 9/11. He spends years in “shock,” and the exploration of how this man deals with grief in an unconventional way–and the arguments that the social and mental health community make to try to “fix” him, is interesting.

Every person’s journey with grief and loss is different. Honor yours.

Trust your gut, your shock will get you through.

During the first month you might: (no two people are the same)

  • Be able to plan an elaborate funeral or memorial service
  • Hold yourself together–be courteous, thoughtful and polite
  • Look healthy and strong
  • Go back to work days or weeks after your loved one passes
  • Feel euphoric–an urgency to get on with life
  • Plan a trip, go shopping, or other ordinary things
  • Go off with friends and do things you haven’t been able to do in a long time

But…if you observe grief and shock a little closer, you’ll notice things aren’t quite what they appear on the surface.

You might also:

  • Feel high strung, nervous, agitated
  • Can’t pay attention, get bored or antsy with people
  • Suffer from insomnia
  • Have a panic or anxiety attack when you’re out in public
  • Zone out and not remember where you are
  • Feel guilty and think you caused your loved one to die (by taking them to the hospital, or not taking them, or a myriad of other decisions you had to make)
  • Forget things–your keys locked in the car, your wallet at the gas station
  • Avoid falling apart or crying because you may feel like once you start, you won’t be able to stop
  • Have nightmares, even scary dreams of your loved one coming back alive–but not alive
  • Become obsessed with something–putting your affairs in order, doing something your loved one nagged you about but you put off–but now you’re doing it to excess
  • Do something, anything to feel alive–gamble, go to Vegas, visit online chat rooms, shop too much, eat too much
  • You may start to snap at people–or cling–can’t let yourself be alone
  • Your emotional pendulum keeps swinging wider and wider

Practical Things You Typically Do The First Month:

  • File for and receive the death certificate (that’s tough)
  • Contact your life insurance
  • Decide when or if to go back to work
  • Comfort others around you–children, friends, even when you don’t feel like it
  • Cancel credit cards and put your house or car in your name only
  • Pay the bills associated with your loved one’s passing–funeral expenses, etc.
  • Decide to buy or sell certain items
  • Figure out how to pay the bills or deal with repairs–whatever your spouse/loved one did that you now must do
  • Catch up with your lfe–if your loved one was ill, there may be many things that need your attention now
  • Write thank you notes and figure out how to handle your relationships with this new change

Emotionally You’ll Have To:

  • Make calls and let businesses know your loved one has passed
  • Talk to many family and friends–and some of them will be awkward and say the “wrong” thing
  • Walk back in your house, your bedroom, drive his car–feel his/her presence and be faced with your loss
  • Sleep in the bed he’s/she’s no longer in
  • Deal with clothes, cars and other personal items–even if you don’t start sorting and deciding what you keep, they are with you–in your house and your life
  • Allow your brain and heart to assimilate that your loved one’s not here for you to call–to talk to
  • Wake up and think he’s/she’s still there
  • Feel alone and lost even when you’re busy
  • Figure out who you are now and what to do with your time and energy
  • Think about that “first” that is to come–first birthday without him, holiday without her–and make a plan
  • Literally survive the best you can

For most people, the first month is a blur.

At times, you’re in bone crushing grief alternting with an odd euphoric gotta-get-out feeling.

You can bite someone’s head off or not even care if the shoes on your feet were on fire.

There’s a lot to do, and that list of wrapping things up and starting anew at least keeps your keep moving. The good news is: you probably won’t remember most of this.

Shock does a whammy on the brain. You may feel like you’ve put your skin on inside out–and your nerve endings are exploding–but later, there will be many things you can’t recall.

Your body is protecting you. Let it. J

As crazy, lost, alone, scattered, numb, and frantic as you feel in those first months, know that as hard as it is to believe, it won’t last forever.

Just breathe.

Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother, available on Kindle

www.caroldodell.com

Carol is a family advisor at www.Caring.com

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No, you’re not.

Bad caregivers don’t seek out blogs on caregiving.

They don’t attend caregiving seminars and workshops.

They don’t worry about how they’re treating their loved ones.

Bad caregivers feel completely justified in their actions.

So, lay that aside.

If you lost your temper, it’s okay.

Make a plan on how to avoid it in the future.

Make a plan on how NOT to let your loved one push your buttons.

You were probably sleep deprived, exhausted, hungry, your back hurt, you were tired of dealing with all the layers of responsibilities that caregiving brings–and your loved one manipulated you, goaded you, or refused to cooperate. Still, it may be time to assess where you are–if you’ve picked up any bad habits. Verbal abuse is the most common, and it’s an easy trap to fall into. We all get frustrated.

How do I know when I’ve taken it too far?

Once or twice is an isolated incidence, but can you look back over the past three or four months and realize your tone, your demeanor has taken on a different slant?

Would you be embarrassed to have anyone hear you or see how you treat your loved one?

Are you so isolated that no one is around to see?

It’s time to make a plan.

You grabbed them too hard. Gritted your teeth. Threw something. Let that go now.

Say you’re sorry and mean it.

These were warning signs, so heed the warning. 

Do you need more help? Do you need respite–a weekend off?

It’s no longer a luxury, it’s a necessity–it’ll save your health and your relationship.

You might even need to put them in a care facility. You might be at the end of your rope. That’s okay if that’s true. You’ve done so much already. You’ve really, really tried and this is really really hard.

My mother had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, so I know. I went to my bitter edge. And yes, we had some rough times. One time, my mother dug her nails into my arm. I had to pry each one back–while I was in excruciating pain–and she was screaming her lungs out–and I was bleeding.

I thought I’d lose it that day. 

I thought I would, but I’m blessed that I had my daughters in the house. I couldn’t. 

I couldn’t go ballistic. But I also knew that I couldn’t keep this up.

I couldn’t let this happen–to me–or to them.  So yes, there are times when you simply can’t manage your loved one at home any more.

This doesn’t make you a failure.

Some diseases are monsters and they take our loved ones from us.

Abuse of the elderly is a serious problem–close to a million cases are reported each year, and many, many more are never brought to light. While family abuse does happen, many times, abuse is by those who are in the elder-care field. 

Let’s face it, this isn’t a high paying field, and it’s easy to prey on someone who is physically or mentally vulnerable. This is why it’s so, so important to stay involved with your loved one’s care.

It’s crucial.

Most people don’t realize this, but for some positions in the elder field, employees can have a certain amount and level of past criminal charges. This is a legal and a widespread practice.

I am all for rehabilitation. I’m just not sure that placing someone with a criminal background in an environment with little supervision, dealing with vulnerable people is such a good idea. It’s sad that we pay sports demi-gods huge salaries while caring for our children and our elders gets so little remuneration–or respect. Don’t get me started.

Someone who is abused may act or show signs in the following ways:

Signs and symptoms of specific types of abuse

Physical abuse
  • Unexplained signs of injury such as bruises, welts, or scars, especially if they appear symmetrically on two side of the body
  • Broken bones, sprains, or dislocations
  • Report of drug overdose or apparent failure to take medication regularly (a prescription has more remaining than it should)
  • Broken eyeglasses or frames
  • Signs of being restrained, such as rope marks on wrists
  • Caregiver’s refusal to allow you to see the elder alone
Emotional abuse In addition to the general signs above, indications of emotional elder abuse include

  • Threatening, belittling, or controlling caregiver behavior that you witness
  • Behavior from the elder that mimics dementia, such as rocking, sucking, or mumbling to oneself
Sexual abuse
  • Bruises around breasts or genitals
  • Unexplained venereal disease or genital infections
  • Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding
  • Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing
Neglect by caregivers or self-neglect
  • Unusual weight loss, malnutrition, dehydration
  • Untreated physical problems, such as bed sores
  • Unsanitary living conditions: dirt, bugs, soiled bedding and clothes
  • Being left dirty or unbathed
  • Unsuitable clothing or covering for the weather
  • Unsafe living conditions (no heat or running water; faulty electrical wiring, other fire hazards)
  • Desertion of the elder at a public place
Financial exploitation
  • Significant withdrawals from the elder’s accounts
  • Sudden changes in the elder’s financial condition
  • Items or cash missing from the senior’s household
  • Suspicious changes in wills, power of attorney, titles, and policies
  • Addition of names to the senior’s signature card
  • Unpaid bills or lack of medical care, although the elder has enough money to pay for them
  • Financial activity the senior couldn’t have done, such as an ATM withdrawal when the account holder is bedridden
  • Unnecessary services, goods, or subscriptions
 
  • Duplicate billings for the same medical service or device
  • Evidence of overmedication or undermedication
  • Evidence of inadequate care when bills are paid in full
  • Problems with the care facility:
    – Poorly trained, poorly paid, or insufficient staff
    – Crowding
    – Inadequate responses to questions about care

I share with with you from the Elder Abuse site at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse_neglect.htm

If you feel pushed to the edge, ask for help. Pick up the phone.

Call your local Alzheimer’s Association, Hospice Associtation, Council on Aging.

All of them have a list of local resources to assist you.

No one wants to take your loved one from you.

They want to help. 

Having a momentary lapse in good judgement due to stress is absolutely normal, but don’t simply hope that it stops.

Losing your cool is your body’s and mind’s way of saying, “I need some help here!”

I hope this list helps you protect your loved ones. Be careful who you leave them with. There are reputable companies and organizations who have a system of checks and balances. It’s better to go with someone who is licsensed and bonded–who has something to lose if one of their employees gets out of hand.

Stay close. Drop in. Vary your schedule. Check for signs and symptoms. Be vigilent.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

available on Amazon

www.mothering-mother.com

Family Advisor at www.Caring.com

Syndicated Blog at www.opentohope.com

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Do you feel like running away?

You may have restless caregiver syndrome.

What’s that, you ask?

I may have made up the term, but I certainly experienced it firsthand.

Have you seen the commercials for restless leg syndrome?

They’re kind of quirky, and I’m not saying that it’s not a serious disorder, but it’s presented in a way that makes my own legs twitch! Nothing like an idea planted in your brain.

But that’s exactly what I felt like some days as I cared for my mom who had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. I just couldn’t sit still. I wanted to run, to stay busy, to go, go, go.

I guess I was scared.

I was scared my mother would consume me.

I was scared that this was going to be my life from now on, and that by accepting it now, I was accepting it forever.

I was scared that if I sat still, thought too long, I’d realize it was a mistake, that this wasn’t what I wanted to do. I was scared I’d grow old and not have the life, the adventures, the memories and journeys I’d always dreamed of.

Restless caregiver syndrome happens off and on in the caregiving process. It occurs when you’ve given up your old life in order to care for your loved one. It’s also compounded by a sandwich generation lifestyle where everyone wants something from you all the time. And, if you’re female, you may be dealing with the oh so lovely change of life–men-o-pause. And, on top of that, you’re probably a boomer and thinking about your own future, i.e. finances, career, retirement, aging, etc.

You became a caregiver because your loved one needed you. You did it believing it was the right thing to do. You told yourself there were some benefits—getting out of a dead-end job, able to spend more time at home, maybe take better care of your own health, or begin that second career you’ve always dreamed of.

Only…

Caregiving isn’t quite what you’d thought it’d be. You’re bored. Stressed. Unmotivated. Overwhelmed by all the stuff there is to do, and how little you feel you get done. You have time (sometimes) but no focus, no initiative.

Your loved one certainly needs your assistance, but you didn’t plan on becoming someone’s personal butler, driver, maid, and cook. They also seem to enjoy your being at your beck and call—or they’re miserable, fussy, or constantly apologizing. You didn’t think all this emotional baggage would come in tow.

You‘re consumed by caregiving even when you’re not caregiving.

You’re fumbling in your own life. Directionless. How long can this go on? The years stretch out in front of you like a vast desert. Some days, sure, you feel on top of your game, but there’s also an underlying sense of sadness. You know where this is going to end.

A restlessness has built up inside you. You gotta get out. You can’t sit in that living room chair one more minute. You can’t scramble one more egg. But you’re stuck.

How to Combat Restless Caregiver Syndrome:

·       Play a game with yourself: if you were under house arrest, but you weren’t caregiving, what would you do? What resources do you have right at home?

·       If someone gave you three years to reinvent yourself, what would you do? Learn a new language? Take some classes and become a computer whiz? Sell your handmade jewelry online?

·       Create a structure you can live with. You call the shots. You decide when dinner is, you decide the med routine. If you want your loved one to go to bed at 7pm so you can have the night to yourself, then arrange it. Create boundaries you can honor that make your life easier.

·       Start planning for time off. Check into respite care; hire a CNA for $20.00 an hour. It may take you a while to get all this in order, but do your homework, find someone you feel your loved one is safe with, and start taking regular breaks.

·       Don’t use your take out for anything that you aren’t dying to do. Go for a mountain hike, antique shopping, to the local pub to watch a football game—anything that will make you feel as if you’ve truly taken a break. No errands. No combining. Time off is time for you.

·       Create a room—your bedroom, a spare office, part of the garage that is just for you. Make it your haven. Put a cooler in there with drinks, stock a mini-bar, and collect magazines only you like— and go there — alone. Your family and loved ones will respect what you respect—and they will run rough-shod over you if you let them.

·       Call a friend and vent for 10 minutes. Set the timer and then just go for it. After that, tell your friend to forbid you from any further complaining for the day. Complaining and whining and griping are good, but not when it’s a toilet bowl that never flushes. I mean that visual to be disgusting so that you’d STOP. Incessant thinking is unhealthy.

·       Use your fidgetiness and wear yourself out. Do something physical—put all your anger and edginess into it. Clean out the frig, scrub the bathroom tiles and get out the gunk around the shower door. Use your restlessness.

·       Find a safety valve. If you’re really about to blow your top, how can you get away? Do you have an emergency person? Can you take them to adult day care? Are they okay for a couple of hours alone if you really couldn’t take it anymore? Have a plan B—because sometimes, it all gets to be too much.

·       If you have siblings and you’ve been carrying this burden alone—then make the call and insist they help out in some way. Even if it’s paying for home help, then that’s a help. Don’t let resentment and exhaustion build up. Tell them how hard it is. Insist you get a weekend off every few months—and a week or two of vacation time a year. You only get what you ask for, so ask!

·       Don’t be a perfectionist and think everything has to be exactly right and exactly your way. If you do, you’ll be a slave to the mundane. Choose a few things to do well, and a few things to do lousy. Nobody ever died because the forks were sticking up in the dishwasher.

·       If your loved one is being ugly, then get in the car and leave. Even driving around the block helps. I used to walk out back, down the embankment out at the river—and scream. So what if the neighbors heard! Better they hear me scream than gunshotsJ They’re adults and can be alone for 5 minutes and they need to be taught that you will not be mistreated. Make that point clear.

You get what you allow.

Sometimes, you’re just going to feel restless as caregiver. You’re going to want to run, to scream, to change your name to Flo and become a waitress on some seaside pier restaurant (my fantasy, not yours necessarily).

When you feel like running, then run. Get out as much as you can. Even if it’s just out the front door and around the block. Hide, sneak out, stay in bed an extra half hour, stand in your shower until the water turns cold. Do what your gut is telling you to do–at least in some small way. If you let off the pressure valve, then maybe, maybe the whole thing won’t blow.

Trust yourself. Trust your journey and this process.

Later, there will come a time when you might not be able to “run,” so do it now. Trust that you will come back.

After your loved one passes, you’ll go through this all over again—there’ll be days when you just can’t be at home. It’s a part of the grieving process. There’ll be other days, or weeks that you can’t make yourself leave. Home feels safe.

Again, trust yourself. Trust that your body, your soul, and your heart knows how to heal itself.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Family Advisor at Caring.com

Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, available on Amazon

www.mothering-mother.com

www.opentohope.com

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Caregiving is complex.

Many family situations are a continuation of a long, tangled history.

There are stubborn siblings, financial headaches, cantankerous parents, emotional memories kicked back up, frustrating home heath aides, and confusing health insurance concerns. This is just the surface–throw in worries like a naked, wandering Alzheimer’s loved one, your mother feels cheated on (or is cheating) while her husband is in a facility and no longer remembers any of you, your home health aide stole your wedding ring (you suspect), you lost your health insurance and have to go back to work, but how? Or maybe your mother is like mine and kicks your cat or your partner says caregiving is killing you and insists you give them attention too.

I know how hard it is to find safe, how challenging it is to find reliable help, or you get into a big fight with your dad (and your neighbor) because he ran over your neighbor’s dog and he still refuses to give up driving. Some questions go even deeper–you’ve become hooked on pain meds to compensate for your back from all the lifting and you’re fighting depression, or just how bone-deep scary it is to think that you have to decide whether or not to stop life support and you’re afraid all your family will blame you for not doing enough…the list goes on.

I”m now a “Family Advisor” on www.Caring.com, and these are just some of the types of issues families write about.

It’s not that I’m a know-it-all or that questions always have neat little answers, but I’ll do my research and offer suggestions that are not just technically correct but delve into the heart of the matter. Relationships are not cut and dry, and it’s not easy to just make a decision and carry it out–not when there are other family members involved who may not agree with you–and not when even the decisions that you have to make aren’t easy to deal with emotionally.

Life can’t always be “fixed,” but I’ll do everything I can to offer some valid help and direction as well as support you, the caregiver/spouse/friend. It won’t be cut and dry either. Humor, spunk, and tenacity are great weapons people forget they have, and sometimes we have to use guerrilla tactics to get anything done, but when integrated with love and commitment serendipity can occur.  I won’t sugar coat caregiving either, or wrap it up and slap a bow on it, or belittle the guilt or everyday stresses can just get under your skin.

I know how all this eats away at what fragile hope you have remaining.

By writing a question (even anonymously), you are asking not only Caring.com for advice, you open the window for opportunity. I firmly believe that by simply asking the question you start to attract the answers/solutions. By verbalizing your fears, frustrations and concerns, you can then begin to visualize how this can be solved or at least some of the tension relieved.

You’ll feel less alone. You have options.

If you know of anyone who is in an emotional or ethical quandry consider suggesting Caring.com.

They have sections for all types of care–mental illness, cancer, MS, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, and many other points of connection.

Caregivers need every resource they can get their hands on–in their community and on the Internet.

I hope that my book, my blog, and now this family advisor column will help you feel less isolated and show you that you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by people who care.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

available on Amazon

www.mothering-mother.com

www.kunati.com

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Why are adult day care centers so important?

Because according to National Family Caregivers Association, 77% of all caregivers go it alone. Their loved ones live with them, or near them. Most caregivers have to work. It’s not an option. With the average caregiver being an 46 year old woman, she can’t afford not to work. She’s technically a boomer, and has a mortgage, oftentimes children, she may be divorced. She has worked hard to create her life–her career. She needs to work for the insurance benefits and continue to save for her own retirement, and yet she finds herself in the midst of caregiving responsibilities.

Caregivers worry.

They worry their mom or dad or grandparent is left alone all day. They worry mom or dad is going to fall, that they won’t be able to get to the phone, or they’ll take off their “button” and will lie helpless for hours. They worry their loved one isn’t eating, or does nothing all day but sit in front of the television or they might wander due to dementia or Alzheimer’s. They worry that their loved one is lonely, bored, not getting enough exercise, isn’t taking their meds….the worry list goes on.

And while they’re worrying about that–they have to juggle their families, doctor appointments, cleaning and cooking, and job duties. It’s a wonder their heads don’t explode. It felt like mine would during the almost three years I cared for my mom full time.

What’s one of the easiest, safest, more natural alternatives to relieve some of this caregiver stress?

Adult day care centers.

Most adult day care centers are community based, usually non-profit, and are conveniently located. It’s a place that’s not run by a corporation, but is almost always run by someone with a big heart, someone who lives within this community and knows the resources needed and available to families.

As an author and speaker, I get to visit and work closely with adult day care centers, such as Peaches-na-Basket in Jacksonville, Florida. Dolores is resident “Mama,” and her heart’s desire is to provide a safe, loving, homey environment for her seniors she calls her “Peaches.”

How very blessed north Jacksonville is to have her!

Who needs adult day care?

Average families–families who work, or need a few hours break. Seniors who need to get out, meet new people, have some place to go, learn new things. Seniors who don’t need to sit around alone all day. Seniors who will be given their meds, provided with a meal and entertainment, who might be able to do a little shopping and be escorted on the community van. Seniors who need a friend.

If you’re looking for a worthy charity this holiday season, why not consider a donation to your community adult day care? What better place to give than to your own community?

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

by Kunati Publishing

Available on Amazon and in most bookstores

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