“I quit!” I said it more than once when I was caregiving my mom.
And I meant it–the only problem was, I couldn’t figure out what to do with her if I didn’t care for her!
I was an only child. Her sister was older than she was–and her children were taking care of her. I tried to find a care home that wouldn’t break the bank and offer decent care. I couldn’t find one–I was at the end of my rope. (I know more now about how to find care homes and financial possibilities than I did back then).
I felt stuck. My mother was in the darkest trenches of Alzheimer’s. She was mean, didn’t know who I was. She’d try to hit me, kick me, fall, refuse to let me help her. It was rough and the truth was, there was no one but me to do the job.
I told my husband “I quit.”
He said, “You can’t.”
Easy for him to be honorable. He got to go to work each morning and leave me in the house with…her!
I “quit” more than once. At least saying it felt freeing, and for a few minutes I could imagine myself not caregiving.
I so wanted to walk out that door, but I knew I couldn’t leave my mother to my husband and children. They didn’t deserve that. I dreaded each day. I resented my family for getting to walk out the front door to jobs and school. It wasn’t pretty. No one wanted to be with me or engage me in conversation–not that I blamed them.
In some ways, my family kept me “honest.” They pitched in, rubbed my back, made dinner, took time to be with my mother so I could nap or stare into space. It was a time in our family that really tested us and showed me how much we needed and supported each other.
Where do you go from”I quit” when you can’t quit?
There’s pretty much only three choices:
1. You either get help and lots of help (I had help, but keeping help that really helped, well that’s another post).
2. You find a care home–and as I said, you do have more options for free, low-cost, etc., but you need to ask for help and do your research–the care home can help guide you, but don’t just take their word. Check with elder-affairs and other state and community services to fully understand your options.
3. They die. Sounds harsh, I know. But what happened in my situation is that soon after this incredibly dark place, my mom lost her ability to swallow. I considered a feeding tube but decided that at 92 with Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, and heart disease, that keeping her alive through a tube wasn’t something either of us wanted or needed. This occurred over six months or more, but I knew I had to see this through. It was a grueling time for all of us, but a necessary closure.
My decision to not use a feeding tube was not easy by any means. I grappled with this, if this was right, ethical. We brought in hospice, which I was surprised actually supported my decision. I worried about what others would think. I struggled with what this would do to my mother–if it would hurt–would she know? Would she be confused?
Saying “I quit” helped lift the little stopper off the pressure cooker. I had to say it several times–like a drowning man who’s more flailing than drowning–but then it became serious and I really was gulping water.
Seeking solutions (even if they didn’t work out or only helped for a short time) felt like action.
Having others (my family and friends) support me, reach out, and offer their arms to hold me convinced me I wasn’t alone.
And yes, there is a time to find that care home, to admit you’re done for, to allow them to die–if that time has come. Good old Ephesians was right. There’s a season for everything. No wonder this beautiful prayer was offered so long ago:
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Hah! I quit again just last night. I’m very interested in your story as the two elders I care for are both graduates of Jacksonville University.
Anyway, isn’t it doubly frustrating that the reason you can’t REALLY quit is that the things you do as a caregiver are so distasteful that you you wouldn’t want anyone ELSE to have to do them?
For my birthday this year, I asked for a week off from caregiving. Then I wondered if that was too rude and ugly a thing to ask for, like asking somebody to clean out from under my toenails.
Thankless
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