Do you feel this is the last Christmas with your spouse or parent?
Perhaps you’re looking at a cancer diagnosis, or you’re at the end stages of Alzheimer’s or heart disease.
This can put a cloud over the festivities. Everything drips with meaning. You’re standing in Wal Mart and feel weepy.
Or…you can’t seem to wedge your butt off the couch. Flipping channels has somehow become your life.
You don’t know it, but this is the face of grief.
We start grieving long before death enters the picture.
The word grief means: Deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement.
So what do you do if you feel like this is your last Christmas together?
Do exactly what you feel like doing. Trust your gut, your heart, your intuition, your spirit…whatever you want to call it.
If you need to flip channels, then give in and flip. Are you missing something significant?
Could you really grasp “significant” right now? Even if it hit you on the side of the head?
I really do believe that after about 3 days, either you’d get sick of the same old “As Seen on TV” merchandise–or, you’d get carpel tunnel and you’d have to quit anyway. Be willing to give in and see where it takes you. I’ve learned that the best way to get over something is sometimes to give in.
Even scientists have observed this–they find that if a child is exposed to copious amounts of pizza, chips, cookies, and apples–they’ll eventually get the junk food crave out of their system and willingly choose the apple.
Grief isn’t something you can fight. Nor should you.
It’s natural, and for the most part, healthy.
But if you can, try not to jump time–don’t go to the future–to the time your loved one dies. Be present. That season isn’t here yet.
Also realize that if you’ve been caregiving for several years, you may have hit the caregiver’swall–you may feel numb, exhausted, and zombie-llike.
Trust the process. If you go too far, you’ll know it–everyone else will know it.
If you do have the ability to rationalize and feel, then cherish this season. Don’t dread it or push it away.
Don’t make everything drip with meaning. That can get exhausting and annoying.
Your loved one won’t appreciate being inthe spotlight every second. Follow the moment.
When something touching, seweet, or poignant happens, you have a better chance of recognizing it if you are ‘gently” alert.
If you get a few photographs or can jot down a few thoughts, then you’ll have something you can treasure for years.
If you can’t–or don’t–then let it go. I promise you, all you need is one moment–one glance, one gentle touch of the hand, one brush of the hair–somethig will rise to the top. You will have your moment. You will find the sweetness in the season. Just let it happen.
Our relationships–and the holidays–aren’t to be forced.
Trust that this holiday will give you a gift–at the most unexpected turn.
~Carol O’Dell, and hope you’ll check out my book, Mothering Mother
This is great advice for someone facing their last season with a loved one, in this case, a parent. In Grumble Bluff, a “tween” novel just recently published, one of the young characters deals with this issue. It can be a blessing to KNOW that you have one more Christmas, one more Father’s Day, one more birthday… and it’s important to allow yourself to accept that blessing. Thank you for these important tips. Karen Bessey Pease, author of juvenile fiction, roomtomove@tds.net.