It’s easy to do, to get so caught up in the bossiness of caregiving that you start barking out orders and not treating your loved one with the patience and thoughtfulness they deserve.
And let’s face it–your mom or dad (or other care receiver) isn’t crazy about being told what to do all the time, especially by their children.
They’re also ticked off that they’re sick and can’t do for themselves. This can come across as pure grumpiness and an unwillingness to go with the flow.
Why Do We Talk to Someone We Love in Such Negative Tones?
- We’re frustrated at the situtation
- Most things in caregiving (doctor appointments, changing a bandage, etc.) take three times longer than we expect them to
- Most caregivers have more to do and more people to fit into their life than is humanly possible–especially if you’re a sandwich generation or working caregiver
- We have old, unresolved issues that are coloring the current situation–and we might not even be aware of them
- We’ve all learned bad habits of using hurtful tactics and under-handed manipulation to get what we want.
I’m Not Totally to Blame–My Mom (or Dad) Is Really Making This Difficult!
I know, my mom seemed to enjoy slowing me down, confusing me, asking me to do more than humanly possible, making me feel guilty about not ever doing enough–and then saying something hurtful that really pushed my buttons. But know this…
No One Can Make You Feel Anything–That’s Your Choice
The first time I realized this was when I was sixteen years old and reading a Wayne Dyer book. Man, that guy’s been around a long time! (Me too!) A little soft-psychology/self help goes a long way on a teenager, and I remember the day I repeated those words to my mother. Needless to say, she didn’t take it well.
I also remember the day I was talking to our middle daughter about my mother’s downright meanness and cantakerous nature. We were in the bathroom having one of those “mirror conversations.” My daughter basically asked, “Why are you doing this? She’s so mean!”
I told my daughter that one day we’d be standing in front of this mirror in black dresses getting ready for Nanny’s funeral, and I had to be able to look that woman int he eye and know that I did the right thing–regardless of what was done to me.
Don’t Get Trapped by Your Feelings
Feelings are just feelings and you can choose to opt out of the cycle of hurt and anger.
I call it Caregiving by Loving Detachment
There are times to simply choose not to get on the emotional merry-go-round.
You can be a good caregiver without throwing your whole psyche and childhood into the mix.
The only way to stop a vicious cycle is to knowingly choose to rise above the situation.
Stop Blaming Yourself or Your Parent
Blame and guilt are useless. Either make a choice to begin to change because you know it’s good for you, your relationship, and you’re just plain tired of the way things have been going–or admit you’re just going to tough it out and live with things as they are.
If you’re ready to deal with this, then here’s some ways to begin to foster respect:
Create a New Caregiving Mentality–and Make Mutual Respect Your Number One Priority
I have to tell you, you’re probably not going to have much of a chance of changing how a 90 year-old thinks, but insisting on a different response is possible. (Fancy term, cognitive therapy)
It starts with you–you can offer an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Respect is Something You Must Give Yourself First
Like the old airplace/oxygen mask analogy–you have to place the respect mask over your own mouth and nose first. You have to know and believe down to your bones that you are a person of honor and respect–and treat yourself this way first.
How Do You Create an Atmosphere of Respect?
- Start wuth simple manners–please, thank you, hello, good to see you…even if you have to say these things for both of you (mimic what you’d like for them to say–for example, you hand them their pills and they take them–say out loud,”thank you” and then, “you’re welcome.”
- Lovingly detach and caregive from a place of ethics. Care for your loved one with dignity–but don’t get into conversations that will lead to negative talk. Stop talking. Hum, put on music. Smile. Just don’t go there. They’ll get the point after a while.
- Wear a rubberhand or carry a stone–anything that reminds you of your new choices.
- If you start down the slippery slope and say something you don’t mean or is disrespectful–STOP. Stop mid-sentence and say, “you know what? That’s disrespectful.” Then restate it the appropriate way. You’ll shock them, and you’ll shock your system and stop an ugly habit.
- Videio tape your interaction with your loved one–play it back and observe your behavour. It’ll make a greater impact to see yourself in action than anything anyone can say to you.
- If an argument starts, leave the room. Stay out of the room for 2-3 minutes and then calmly walk back in. Do what you have to do with a smile, but initiate no conversation. This will get their attention.
- Start small. Shoot for five “respectful” caregiving minutes. Build from there.
Know that even if this person has hurt you deeply in the past, you write the future.
What if they don’t deserve my respect?
Stop making this about them. You deserve respect and you can’t give it without it boomeranging back to you. Our actions aren’t always the criteria.
If your elder/parent/care receiver has deeply wounded you in the past (abuse, for example), then realize that you are respecting them by making sure they receive proper and decent care. (You don’t necessarily have to be the one caregiving them–let that go) That may be all that you can give them. I know how complex and hurtful life can get. If that’s all you can give, then that’s enough.
What If They Have Alzheimer’s or dementia? I’m not going to get anywhere!
Again, (and know that I know this first hand because of dealing with my own mother) respect as this point is more for you, so you’ll be proud of the words, the actions, and the atmosphere you’re creating and living in.
What If We Have Nothing to Say to Each Other?
New habits are always a bit uncomfortable. Live with the silence. Be okay with it. Smile. Touch their hand. Put on music. There are many other ways to communicate then with words.
Does Someone Deserve Respect Just Because They’re My Parent or Elder?
Respect isn’t necessarily deserved by someone’s age or their status, it’s the right of every human.
Giving it may be more important than receiving it.
Know that every time you give someone respect, you give a measure back to yourself.
Be proud that you’re reading this post, that you’re ready to face a touchy-tender issue.
Know that you’ll have some set-backs. Know that they’ll still get to you. But know that you are capable of change.
You can change how you treat and talk to yourself–and others.
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
Family Advisor at www.Caring.com
Syndicated Blog at www.OpentoHope.com
Kunati Publishers, www.Kunati.com/mothering
