Life and Art
I have eight pots completed from my pottery class. Two more cracked in the kiln. You just never know. You think the walls are thick enough, that there’s no air bubbles, that the bottom isn’t too thin, but when the heat is applied, it’s a lottery. That’s life. We think if we “do it all right,” we’ll get our desired results. It helps hedge the bet, but in the end, it’s a wait and see. I’m not sure where we got the idea of 100% anyway. Eight out of ten is pretty good. Actually, it’s seven–one is cracked, but I don’t care, I like it anyway.
Mothering Mother is the title of my new creative nonficiton book which will be released January 2007 by Kunati Publishing. It is about the time in my life when the roles reversed and I had to accept that change and begin to care for my mother while raising my three daughters, being married and building my writing career. It’s about what caregiving does to your life and soul and how to juggle all that’s asked of you.
This blog is meant to start a dialogue for all those who feel isolated and wonder how in the world they’re going to do it all.
The “MORE” part is the other aspects of my life and all that I love.
So, my first question is the anchor of life, the reason to keep going, and I ask this to myself and to others is: “What do you love?”
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
) by creating a schedule you can keep. Don’t make it too early or too late because you’ll pretty much be locked in, so make it liveable and reasonable for you both.
Stay on schedule. Caregiving is much like parenting a baby/toddler. You’ll experience much less temper tantrums, confusion and sleep loss (all of those by both you and your parent
“Change all but you loves,” is a quote I heard this year and it resonated in me like a giant church bell gonging in my gut. It allows flexibility and committment–and those two elements create a good life that is neither rigid or too chaotic. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want personal drama–the kind where your life is torn up and crazy. Give me contentment and ease any time–I’ll create the good drama on my own.
So what do I love? Today, I’m thinking about Breve Lattes–that’s Italian, and is a mixture of coffee and heated half and half–it’s great in a stronger coffee that might otherwise eat at your stomach a bit. It’s rich and smooth and a small is all you need. Calories? Don’t go there, just enjoy. I’d rather have a small amount of something I love than a buffet of mediocre.
CAREGIVING TIP: Ask your parent/person in need of care what it is they love? You may have to coax them along, but you just might find out something you never knew before–and a small way to bring them happiness.
On the theme of “What Do You Love,” I’ll tell you why I think it’s important. Knowing what you want–what you love–is the road to inner peace and happiness. (I sound very Wayne Dyer there) It’s true. Most of us stumble around life undefined, searching and unfulfilled some if not most of the time. Why? We try so hard to please everyone else that we forget what it is that defines us, drives us, and thrills us. Find that, at first in the small things, and you’ll find yourself surprisingly content.
What do I love? Sunday mornings–quilt on the couch, a steaming cup of coffee, the CBS Sunday morning show, the newspaper at my feet, dozing on and off again, a little lovemaking–a perfect morning.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
Create Patterns. Sunday–not like the rest–day. We all need a Sabbath, religious or not, the concept of rest–of a change of routine–of quiet contemplation is an absolute necessity–especially for a caregiver. Create patterns on Sundays–something special and different for breakfast–pancakes instead of the usual cereal, maybe share the Sunday paper, read your loved one an article or the funnies out loud. Make it special, so that at the end of the year, you’ll have 52 (or there about) Sundays filled with–not like the rest–memories.
DAILY BLOG: The word “schedule” chokes my creativity,but a pattern ignites me–gardens, quilts and the universe creates dazzling patterns.
Whether in our days, in our thoughts, or in our writing, our lives yearn for order. A forest floor has a pattern, and although it may look like chaos, it is as serene and exquisite as a Jackson Pollack canvas.
I stood in front of my first Jackson Pollack painting (one of his big impressive ones) at the MOMA–Museum of Modern Art last Christmas. “What’s the fuss? It’s just paint drippings, right?” I heard someone nearby say.
In front of me was this massive montage of browns and blacks and grays and whites, and the longer I stood there, this painting began to build and tumble over me like a giant wave.
I can only compare it to looking into the sky on a dark night and watching the stars emerge. Some come forward, some are bright and piercing, others are a gentle spattering, some are faint. And they’re all held in place, anchored by infinity. And as I stood there, I knew what all the fuss was about.
That’s how I long for my life to be. Not an outline or a schedule, but forest floor, a Jackson Pollack, a starry night. It can look like utter bedlam to the untrained eye, but step in close, and patterns emerge.
It isn’t fair that you’re goegeous and talented too! Now you’re going to tell me you did the glass fruit at the S.F. museum.
HI Ruth,
Ha! No, that fruit is huge–the whole display is probably 8-10 feet in diameter, so I definately didn’t do that–nor is my work in the De Young Museum in San Francisco!
But thank you for the compliment
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY–No one likes to eat alone. Even if your loved one isn’t capable of coming to the table, take a few minutes and sit with them while they eat. Have a cup of tea, chat, and even though you have a pile of dishes to do and a million other things, this small act of kindness, this moment to sit and sip on tea is a small gift to both of you.
DAILY BLOG:
In writing, it’s the details, the small gestures and moments that define a character and a story. It goes back to “What do you love?” Becoming defined, knowing the small details about your own life–what brings you joy-and what doesn’t is what makes you you. Have you ever heard the saying, “God is in the details?” You are in the details. Spend the day in observation. With everything you do, ask yourself, “Do I love this? Like this? Can’t stand this?” The answers might surprise you.
Today, I love air condition–it’s going up to 100 degrees.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
My theory is that August and January are twins. The weather is brutal–just on opposite ends of the scale. The elderly are highly suspeptible to dehydration and heat exhaustion. Make homemade lemonade together. If they can squeeze or stir, or at least participate, it can help to make them feel needed even though you could do this ten times faster. Faster is not always better.
DAILY BLOG:
“The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of the Ferris Wheel when it pauses in its turning.” –Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbit
Every August, these words come full circle in my mind. I am stuck inside today–100 degrees on city steets is not fun. I’lll head out to the coffee shop tonight, after the sun sets. I’ll order a lemon gelato and an iced coffee. But that won’t be for hours and hours. Until then, I turn to the page and create my own seasons.
September has the highest birthrate. Why? Everyone’s cuddling in January, making babies. August is Janaury for me–in reverse–and if I’m lucky, a baby book is growing a beating heart.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
‘Jama day. That’s what I call it when you just don’t feel like getting dressed. I don’t advocate this as standard protocal, every once in a while, it’s good to give in and lounge around. As a caregiver, monotany is the enemy. Shake it up. But if you’re going to have a jama day–then go all out–make pancakes, read magazines, put on an old movie and have an oddly glorious day.
DAILY BLOG:
Had quite a storm yesterday–they called it “gustados.” Hadn’t heard of that before. I stared out of our fourth floor loft window and watched the sky grew dark, and the slow march of wind and lightening. The trees praised God with a flurry of leaves, the flag on a nearby building lifted straight up and then–the gentle swirl of a plastic bag, paper and debris tangoed in a silent dance. The gustado jerked down street lamps, ripped off roofs, peeled off the roof of a hanger at the airport–turned over trucks and uprooted trees. Most of the city is without power. It’s going to 101 degrees today, and more storms threaten this afternoon.
Sometimes life is like a gustado You watch it coming, you stand behind the glass as your world plunges into chaos. You have no idea if you’ll be left intact or spending a period of time in a shelter–a temporary, surreal state of living–none of it of your own making.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY: Appetites and preferences change with age and medication, and trying to find something your loved one can and will eat is a constant struggle. Zero in on a flavor–at the end, my mother loved Klondike bars. I zeroed in on the vanilla and tried to make other things that would appeal to her with this flavor-that might have a little more nutritional value than an ice cream bar. Still, there were times when I gave in and let her have what she loved. If you can’t eat an icecream bar for breakfast at 92, then when can you?
DAILY BLOG: Another stormy day. I have a hand edited copy of my latest manuscript on the side of my computer, and I’ll probably sit here for hours–until my back hurts, my eyes sting, and I need to stretch and crawl out of my fictional world. That might be late this afternoon or tonight, I’ll go until I can’t sit here any more. These days of summer storms are gems to a writer. Everything fades away and the page becomes real. I’m 50/50 introvert/extrovert, but today, I will be an extrovert on the page. I will flirt and laugh and drink and dance in a world of my own making. I love what I do
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
My mother loved Klondike bars, and I didn’t want to tell her “No” just because they were messy. I started using aprons as colorful bibs. She was more likely to use one if I let them pick them out–and a towel in the lap. I also started using a plastic office mat under her chair.
DAILY BLOG:
My friend, Bev said, “If traumatic events take years off your life, then shouldn’t amazingly wonderful events ADD years to your life?
I had a perfect day today. We biked in Forest Park–miles and miles of trails, under giant oaks and maples, alongside museums and turn-of-the-century mansions. Then, we went rowing in their lake and got soaked under waterfountains and fed the swans. At sunset, we ate dinner outside swaying to the sounds of live jazz band. I’m home now, with a pink nose and shoulders, tired and content.
I’m going with Bev’s theory–I’m ten years younger tonight than I was this morning.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY: Caffeine may be a necessary evil for the caregiver, but is not a good idea for your elderly loved one. Their system’s are like children’s systems–they’re more sensitive. If you have to, ween them off of caffeine. You’ll be glad you did.
DAILY BLOG: New week. New list. I like lists. I usually write about three a day–I keep revising as I get stuff done. Then I have my weekly list, monthly list, writing list, goals list, grocery list, honey-do list. My lists have lists. What amazes me is that I obey these lists. I’ll write new things down on the list just so that I can cross them off! This is the only form of a boss a free-lance writer really has. The occasional deadline comes and goes, but many days are spent without a taskmaster cracking the whip. That’s why I need a list. I run back to my piece of paper, my pen in hand–draw that line through the heart of the demand. Ahhhh….relief!
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY: This might sound strange, but what are you doing with your anger. You’ve got to have some. All humans do–especially those under stress. Have you ever used a pressure cooker? Have you ever seen one of those tops blow because there was too much pressure? It’s a mess. For me, writing released my anger, so did walking down to the river, talking, prayer, crying out loud at that edge kept me from going over the edge. I don’t care if you have to purposely break a dish today. Break one. Do not let another day go where you don’t do something to release what you’ve held in so long.
DAILY BLOG:
For me, summer time is writing time. As much as I like the sun and water your skin can only take so much. Summer is less structured than the rest of the year and is the perfect time to wile away a few hours making up stories. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m telling stories. Big ones. Crazy ones. The one I’m writing now seems insane, but I have to write it. See where it’s going so I can know where I’m going.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY: Can’t think of a gift to buy your loved one? Now that there’s so many great old TV shows on DVD, consider buying their favorite. My mother loved Hogan’s Heroes, Jack Benny, Mayberry, and I Love Lucy. You’ll probably have to play the DVD for them–and maybe even do the remote, but when you see the big old smle on their face, it’ll be worth it.
DAILY BLOG: This week hasn’t gone exactly according to plan–I still have my list(s), but it’s a snail’s race to try and get this stuff done. Plus, I’ve got the summertime sleepies–you know, that “I barely have the energy to hold the glass of iced tea up to my lips” syndrome. Heat does that. I had a writer friend say that the best way to get over writer’s block was to lower your standards, so that’s what I’m doing with my plans this week–lowering my standard. Getting a few things done still isn’t half bad.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
“You want to know the worst part of growing old? It’s giving up driving and agiving up your high heel shoes.” For my mother, shoes were a big deal. She despised her sensible brown loafers even though her balance was more than precarious. Try and have the “shoe” converstion early on. Look for cute flats that are safe and still attractive–try and make this transition as gentle as possible–we women have our pride.
DAILY BLOG:
Today is a deadline for me. It’s the “deathday” of Vincent Van Gogh–the day he well, you know…I’m supposed to be done with my novel today. I’m close, but no bananas. Life decided to go WHAMMY on me this week. I told a friend I may not be jogging to my deadline, it’s more like trudginb, but any foot forward is still a foot forward. Your deadline/goal/dream/plans may seem darn near impossible, but keep trudging.
CAREGIVER’S TIP OF THE DAY:
Caregiving is a precious and difficult time. Like babyhood and toddlerhood, things won’t stay this way. Things will change. I know that might be hard to believe. You may have been at this for a long, too long time. But I urge you, like that baby and toddlerhood, write down, record, take pictures, tell the stories of this time in your life–in their life–and don’t just record the cute stuff. Anybody can do that. Dare to write, speak, draw, paint, photograph–whatever it is that you do–record the tough stuff, scary stuff, awful stuff, dark stuff. In that “stuff” lies a part of you. A part of you that you must fold into yourself and be big enough, brave enough and real enough to keep. (You might want to start with the cute stuff).
DAILY BLOG
Sorry for the hiccup. I had a blog glitch. It’s Monday, and I’m in Napa Valley, California. The hills are striking gold and look like the turn of a bic lighter wheel could ignite the whole place on fire. The trees and shrub and scrub seem plunked in place like a toy train diorama. Terrain. When the terrain is different from status quo my brain sits on the edge of its seat, alert and asking, “Where are we?” I need my brain to be alert every once in a while. This week, I’ll go to a couple of wineries, take photos of grape vines and golden hills. I’ll eat excellent food that makes my pallette yearn to grow old here. And I’ll write. I’ll write because that’s what I do. That’s how I see the world. I’m the heavy laden traveler with just about as many books as clothes in her suitcase. Writing is my way of eating this terrain. I’ll digest these grapes, these gnarly trees, this painter’s blue sky and it will become a part of me and my words. Because that’s what I do.
Carol,
When do you start going out selling your book. What I read and heard so far it sounds very interesting. You sound very interesting. I read on the WEB that you give seminars on writing and getting published. Can help those of use that can’t spell but still we fell we have something to say? Looking forward to meeting.
Carol,
I have another question. Is it hard to host your own blog?
I do like your WEB site. http:www.caroldodell.com
Hi Ryan, Sorry for the delay. Here’s the answer to your questions:
Mothering Mother will be released April 2007 by Kunati Publishing.
As far as spelling, I feel for you. I have several family members who are spelling challenged and call me off and on all day to spell for them. I’m thinking of starting a spelling service!
Thanks, and I’m glad you like my Web site. Blogs (like writing) are easy to start, it’s the dedication that’ll kill ya.
~Carol
I’m back after a two week (or more) break. I had a computer glitch while on the road and was at the mercy of email checks on friends computers.
My “hiccup” is comparable to the writing process. Interruptions are inevitable. So are rejections, writer’s block, revisions that take ten times longer than you expect–and the first time you encounter one of these roadblocks, you’ll probably feel discombobulated. Hang in there. It gets easier. If you lose your focus, then pick it up again.
So I’m back–blogging and writing.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
Your mother’s feet may have changed. You will most likely have to buy more sensible shoes. Houseshoes may be an issue as well. Consider buying men’s house shoes. They’re roomier and they tend to have non-skid bottoms and may offer more room for swollen ankles.
DAILY BLOG:
I’m playing go fetch today. I told my editor I as haing problems structuring my new novel and that I wanted her to tell me what to do and I’d be a good puppy and go fetch. She did just that. It takes the guess work out of my work and I can focus on delivering those pieces–disconnected like separate sticks. I’ll make my pile and then we’ll decide what to do with them.
Sometimes we just need to be told what to do.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
It’s time to think about a living will. Go online, print one out. Read it, think about it. Then, when you’re ready, talk to your loved ones. Fill out one for yourself first–long before you approach your ill or aging loved one. You can’t ask something this big without having “walked in their shoes.” It will give you much needed empathy and allow you to approach your loved one with tenderness, respect and thoughtfulness. Besides, everyone needs one–my humble opinion.
BLOG:
The wheel has turned. Although it’s still August, here in St. Louis, the temps are slightly, slightly cooler and even a few trees have turned a tinge of yellow. I’m in no hurry to relinquish the summer (my favorite season), but with the change comes renewed energy and focus. For the last six weeks, I felt as if I were slogging in goo just to get anything done. All of a sudden, the gears have clicked and I’m back on track. Circadian rhythms are amazing. Mother Nature, the gentle dictator has kicked my butt into gear!
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY: Is your loved one in a grumpy mood? Put on some music–something they’ll recognize. Music therapy is a fancy word for such a simple act. Music transforms us.
BLOG:
I’m in love with fresh pineapple. The summer is waning, and soon it’ll taste like sweetened strings and fiber, so today, I may eat it at all three meals. Enjoy life one season at a time.
I received a gentle kick in the pants today. It was about something I’ve put off for weeks now, and all of a sudden, I should have done it YESTERDAY. Instead of beating myself up, which is what I usually do, I’m simply doing it today. I’m whispering a thanks to the universe. It gave me a nudge and I brushed it away. A kick in the pants isn’t too bad, and it sure beats the next thing that is sure to come–the Wiley Coyote anvil hurling from the sky.
CAREGIVNG TIP OF THE DAY: Get out. Every day. Don’t let a day go by that you don’t walk outside. I know how it is, you sleep late because you were up late and you’re lethargic, depressed and the TV’s on all the time–just for the company. Keeping up your own standards can be hard, but I encourage you–go pull some weeds, clean out your car, read some poetry, the Reader’s Digest, the junk mail–anything you can–outside. Your world won’t look so bleak with a little sunshine splashed on it.
BLOG:
I’m taking my own advice and getting out today. I’m living in a loft right now, and getting out the front door includes walking down four flights of stairs or the elevator and out the front door. Even that can stop me at times. It’s too humid, it’s raining, it’s too cold–there’s so many excuses–and I love the outdoors! It’s just easier to do what you’ve been doing–staying in, checking email, flipping channels. So today, I’m taking the car–that’s right–I don’t have one up here–on purpose–so I’ll be forced to write. But even a writer needs a day off for good behavior, and you never know when you’ll stumble across a doozy of a conversation to eavesdrop on!
CAREGIViNG TIP OF THE DAY:
Give your loved one a chore. I used to let my mother fold clothes. She folded them with the skill level of a four year old, but it was mostly for her–to let her feel useful anyway. Crafts and games are great, but they can be condescending, especially if your loved one is still healthy minded and somewhat active. Set up a routine so they’ll feel useful and connected to the family. Who cares if it takes twice as long and isn’t done the way you’d do it? Our loved ones need to feel valuable, and that’s worth some rumpled towels.
BLOG:
I’m getting tired of all of my self-care. Between the extra conditioner I have to put on my hair, the moisterizer on my face, the contacts, the teeth whitening tray, the mound of vitamins, and then there’s the plucking, tweezing, shaving and polishing, I’m exhausted. I guess I’m getting older, because self-care in my twenties consisted of a toothbrush and some shampoo. My morning and night routines are starting to converge into the afternoon. Pretty soon, I’m not going to have time to write or read or anything else, this is insane. And when you go to buy all these products, there’s only about a GILLION to choose from! I stand there, dazed. ShouldI go for silky, deep moisture, shine, antioxident, hydrating or glazed?
There’s only one way I know of to get off the self-care bandwagon. I guess I’m going to have to start my own rumor…
“Poor thing, she just let herself go!”
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
Another one of those “housekeeping” tips. Know what a durable power of attorney is–and when to get one. Although your parent may still be able to drive a car, pay their own bills, take their own medication, all that can–and will–change. You need to be able to take care of their needs–all of their needs–whether they’re financial or medical, and you won’t be able to without this little piece of paper. Do a little research and find out what it is, what it does, and be prepared. It may not be fun, but you’ll be glad you did.
BLOG: It’s Monday, otherwise known as chore day. I’m making a big pot of spaghetti and meatballs, throwing in a wash, and planning my week (on paper, remember my list compulsion?) Everyone is longing for fall. Fall colors, fall foods turn us inward, and I’m no exception. The seasons revitalize me. Even winter with its inevitable death is something I bow to. I let it overtake me. Even in Florida, life, and thoughts die back, only to be reborn. Tonight, I’ll wear fuzzy slippers, eat chunky meatballs and shop the internet for Christmas gifts–i’ll just have to turn the air-condition down to simulate a winter chill.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
Don’t wait to ask those family questions. Dementia is a natural part of old age, so don’t wait too long to fill in the missing family heritage questions you’ve put off. Use a tape or video recorder–so you can talk naturally–and it will enable you to capture their voice, gesture and cadence that are unique.
BLOG:
My dog, Kismet likes to play Dances With Wolves. She’ll get loose, and when I call her, she’ll come close, but just out of reach. She’ll dance and prance with this playful wicked little smile on her face–just out of reach–and no matter how much I whistle, beg, coerce, she won’t come. But I’ve learned the trick. I pick up an imaginary rock and pretend to throw it at her. Now, I’ve never ever been cruel to my dog, so I don’t know where she gets this from–but it works!
I’m Kismet today. I’m close to working on my prequel, but I’m dancing and prancing and not really writing.
Guess I need to go find a rock.
CAREGIVING TIP OF THE DAY:
Washing someone else’s hair is difficult. There’s no way around it. If you can afford it, most beauty salons will just wash hair for less than ten dollars–and that includes a tip–and that’s a bargain. For the in between times, there’s a powder that you can purchase at the beauty supply store–just brush it in–it works great and is a decen substitute.
BLOG:
I bought a bouquet of sunflowers yesterday. Sunflowers are the biggest, boldest flower there is. It was Vincent Van Gogh’s signature flower–better than prozac. I stare into the face of this decadent flower, trying to figure out how to paint this magnificent center that is no less than an architectural wonder. I don’t feel that I can ever do it justice. That’s how I feel about writing–that I can never make it as intricate, exquisite or vivid as I envision it. But I have to try. Today, I’ll get out the paints. I’ll place my fingers on the keyboard, and I’ll try.
I asked Cherish for the address of you website so I could check it out. Looks great! Just wanted to stop in and say hi!
Caregiving Tip of the Day:
The holidays are an added blessing and an added stress, particularly on caregivers who can barely survive a mundane day in the middle of the summer, much less decorating a tree, buying gifts and baking goodies. Some of these traditions connect us with our loved ones, and others are a drain on our precious energy supply. Choose. Choose a tradition that’s near to your heart, and for right now, let the other ones go.
I threw three pots today–on a potters wheel. After weeks of jagged masses that looked like an angry two-year old mangled by cylinders, I finally got it. I know each step, where to put my hand, how to pull, how to draw the clay up. Momentum is everything. Never touch the clay when it’s not moving, my teacher says. I think of stories. Momentum is everything. Learn the steps, learn them well. Craft before art. But don’t forget the art.
Caregiving Tip of the Week:
When my daughters were little, my mother used to take them to K Mart and let them hold all the dolls they wanted on the doll aisle. She wasn’t in a hurry, and she didn’t always buy them a doll–they’d simply visit the doll aisle. Mother loved dolls more than my girls did, but this gave them a tradition, and now a memory.
If your loved one can get out, go window shopping. Take them to look at the decorated trees, the lighted outdoor holiday lights, let them hold dolls or toy cars or jewelry, or whatever it is that makes their eyes light up. Don’t be in a hurry, and don’t feel you need to buy something. Just look and enjoy.
Life and Art
I have eight pots completed from my pottery class. Two more cracked in the kiln. You just never know. You think the walls are thick enough, that thre’s no air bubbles, that the bottom isn’t too thin, but when the heat is applied, it’s all lottery. That’s life. We think if we “do it all right,” we’ll get our desired results. It helps hedge the bet, but in the end, it’s a wait and see. I’m not sure where we got the idea of 100% anyway. Eight out of ten is pretty good. Actually, it’s seven–one is cracked, but I don’t care, I like it anyway.